Chocolate Fudge Brownie Non-Dairy aka Ice no-Cream

WARNING: if you are a vegan or lactose intolerant, I applaud your will power and spirit, I also highly recommend not reading this post.

I’m going to start this post with a little riddle:

What’s black and white and red all over?

This blog post because this flavor ripped out my heart and then proceeded to stomp  on it until it was utterly destroyed.

But let me digress. As you probably already know, my boys, Ben and Jerry, recently released 4 new flavors to their ice cream line-up. The 4 included: PB & Cookies, Chocolate Monkey, Coffee Caramel Fudge, and Chocolate Fudge Brownie. These have a special kick though, they’re all non-dairy, vegan, and made with almond milk. LET ALL HEALTH FREAKS REJOICE!

Now being the opposite of a health freak (aka a fatass), I could not care less when these premiered. Yet as time went on I became intrigued.

I’ve been a loyal Ben and Jerry’s supporter since 1992. I enjoy taking risks and trying any and all of their flavors. And no matter how repulsive the flavor might sound, I’ve always found that BJ manages to pull it off. So why couldn’t they pull off vegan ice cream?

It was with this logic that I managed to take the plunge and admit by taste buds into the world of “health”. I traveled to Publix with a specific flavor in mind: PB & Cookies. Since BJ doesn’t have a lot of Oreo type cookies flavors I was relatively excited as I walked towards the ice cream isle.

But as I approached to the Ben and Jerry section, something horrible happened. They only had the Chocolate Monkey and Chocolate Fudge Brownie options. Already off to a rough start, I opted for the Fudge Brownie. No need to go total health nut with bananas.

I got home with my hopefully delectable treat and yank off the top wrapper. I had suddenly gotten excited about this flavor. If it tasted delicious, I could eat my favorite food group (that food group being ice cream) without having to worry about becoming an obese cow.

I dig my spoon in and take a humongous, eager bite…

MY POOR TASTEBUDS! Did someone replace the ice cream on my spoon with chalk?!

I try another, more reluctant, bite…

MY TASTEBUDS ARE DEAD! MY TASTEBUDS ARE OFFICIALLY DEAD!

This flavor, simply chocolate with brownie bits, had done the impossible: it tasted like pure monkey shit.

The texture, as I quickly mentioned above, was chalk. Literal chalk. Imagine taking a piece of that yellow chalk your high school teachers used to use to write your trig homework on the board and bite it. That’s the texture of this ice cream.

The flavor didn’t get much better. You could definitely taste the chocolate, but it seemed to be watered down by the tears of Ben and Jerry after they tasted it for themselves and realized their massive failure.

The strongest point to this ice cream was the brownie pieces, but that still isn’t saying much. They were nice and chewy and large. But they lacked any sweet flavor and there was only 5 pieces throughout the entire pint (yes, I still finished it … like I said before, I’m a fatass).

Have you ever had a dope-ass friend with a lame little sister or brother that tries to be cool but hanging out with them makes you want to stab yourself in the eye? That is Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie Non-Dairy. Both your friend (normal BJ flavor) and their sibling (stupid non-dairy flavor) come from the same place, yet one is awesome and the other sucks massive ass.

I will end this post to a thank you to Ben and Jerry’s vegan explorations. Thank you for saving me from trying any of your other non-dairy options. Thank you for making me never want to choose a vegan lifestyle. And thank you for giving me an excuse to buy pizza to get the horrible taste out of my mouth.

Verdict: Do NOT try unless you are stranded on a dessert island and already ate all the killable seagulls.

Rating: 2 out 10 (gave it a 2 for effort)

chocolate-fudge-brownie-non-dairy-detail.pngchocolate-fudge-brownie-non-dairy-nutr.png

 

Like having 60 second sex with a dude that has a tiny penis and 0 moves, this flavor is not worth the effort.

One thought on “Chocolate Fudge Brownie Non-Dairy aka Ice no-Cream

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