“To be or not to be…”
If you have never heard this quote before, then you must be both blind and deaf because it’s freakin everywhere. TBH, up until last week, I legit had no idea where it was from. I knew it came from Shakespeare, but that’s it. Did Shakespeare say it? Did Leo say it that baller Romeo + Juliet movie? Didn’t know. Didn’t care. But it crossed my mind the other day and I decided, just in case I ever end up on Jeopardy (hey, you never know!), to Google it.
Turns out that famous line is from Shakespeare’s most famous play, Hamlet (aaaaand we all feel like a dumbasses). But what is particularly interesting is that Hamlet said these stupid words while having a conversation with himself. Which comes to the whole point of this little rant: HOLY MOLY call me Hamlet because I have conversations with myself all the time (I’m only semi-crazy, I swear). But unlike Hamlet, I don’t contemplate death, suicide, and other emo nonsense with myself. Oh no… rather, I contemplate a much more important thing: ice cream.
Specifically, I ask myself:
“To finish pint or not to finish pint…”
Spoiler Alert: 12 out of 10 times my answer is F*CK YEAH
Now, if you disagree and think that a lady should NEVER finish a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting, I have 1 or 2 things to say:
- SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH AND NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN YOU CRAZY DEVIL
- Really, it’s bad to finish a pint, really? Well prepared to get schooled by the following 4 points motha f*cker!
Fatass Point #1: You already bought the ice cream.
Do you plan on throwing away the ice cream you don’t eat? I don’t think so sweetie. So why not just go ahead and finish it. The calories will eventually enter your body no matter what. Might as well live in the moment. Finish that pint girl so you can start living a healthy life. Well, a healthy life until you buy another pint..
Fatass Point #2: You should never stop a good thing.
If you were in the middle of an amazing movie would you hit pause and just walk away? If you were in a mad decent bone sesh would you leave without finishing? Yet again, the answer to both of those questions is: I don’t think so sweetie. Life is short. Might as well indulge now before you die and get sent to ice creamless hell.
Fatass Point #3: It’s impossible to get full from a pint ice cream.
Not only is there ALWAYS room for more ice cream, but also a pint is not that large. If you were to dump it into a bowl, there would still be room for 2 or 3 more pints (I use very large bowls). If you say you can’t finish because you are “stuffed” then you are a liar. I dare you to look into Ben and Jerry’s eyes on that beautiful blue and green carton and say that to them! Go ahead, break their little hearts and tell them “sorry, but I can’t finish this itsy bitsy pint of ice cream because I am a pussy and a liar.” Do it pussy liar, I dare you.
Fatass Point #4: Every time you don’t finish your pint, a puppy dies.
Ok, so I will admit it. This point might not exactly be true. But if you tell yourself this, you will feel a lot better about eating the other half of Karamel Sutra. YOU’RE DOING IT FOR THE PUPPIES.
Alright all you non-finishing ice cream losers, as I often say on the dance floor: you just got SERVED. Now go finish that pint.