Guys, I have a confession to make. Although I have this future Pulitzer Prize winning blog about ice cream, there is one thing that I love and obsess over more. No, it’s not booze or boys – I’m not an alcoholic slut (booze and boys are my 3rd and 4th loves). Rather, the true apple to my eye is GAME OF THRONES.
Before the most recent season ends in a few hours and I go into a depression until I re-watch the entire series for the 6th time, I decided to make my two loves get their freak on and have a baby. So please, keep on reading to see the man behind the mask, or rather, the flavor behind the character of some of your favorite GOT characters.
(If you don’t watch Game of Thrones and haven’t stopped reading this already, please please please stop right now, go to your room and start watching it until you’ve been MIA for so long that everyone thinks that you died. If you refuse to watch GOT, then all I have to say is: WHY YOU SO STUPID?!)
Tyrion Lannister aka Bourbon Brown Butter
“Bourbon brown butter ice cream with dark chocolate whiskey cordial cups & a bourbon brown butter swirl”
Because the imp even said it himself: “I drink and I know things.” Having him as an ice cream flavor without some form of alcohol in it would have been insulting. As for the knowing things part, I know that you know that he knows how we know how I know I have no idea. Anyways, this flavor is also totally Tyrion because it’s not available full sized (only scoops) just like him!
King Tommen aka Vanilla
“Vanilla ice cream”
Tommen is boring as fuuuuuuck and looks like a potato, yet still rules the 7 kingdoms. Vanilla is boring as fuuuuuuuck and looks like a potato, yet still rules all the ice cream flavors. Kind of makes me not want to rule anything just to avoid being a boring potato.
Melisandre aka Cherry Garcia
“Cherry Ice Cream with Cherries & Fudge Flakes”
Cherry Garcia has the red like Melisandre’s hair, clothes, and god. They also both suck, but sometimes you have no choice but to use them. Cherry Garcia when there is literally no other flavors and Melissandre when there is literally no other way to bring Jon Snow back. Both are also 500 years old.
Sandor Clegane aka S’mores
“Chocolate Ice Cream with Fudge Chunks, Toasted Marshmallow & Graham Cracker Swirls”
Like S’mores, the Hound too has been toasted by a fire that fucked up his entire appearance and insides (by his insides, I mean his heart).
Margaery Tyrell aka Cinnamon Buns
“Caramel Ice Cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough & a Cinnamon Streusel Swirl”
Margaery is totally Cinnamon Buns. I mean HELLLLOOO have you seen her amazing buns?! And by buns I clearly mean tits and booty.
Theon Greyjoy aka Reek aka Banana Split
“Banana & Strawberry Ice Creams with Walnuts, Fudge Chunks & a Fudge Swirl”
Theon literally has had his banana split. How could he not be this flavor?!
Samwell Tarly aka Chunky Monkey
“Banana Ice Cream with Fudge Chunks & Walnuts”
Stupid Sam is both chunky and useless, just like Chunky Monkey. No one ever wants Chunk Monkey, yet it’s still in every.single.store… just like how Sam is in every.single.episode. (I do have to admit, Sam stealing his Dad’s Valyrian Steel sword was pretty baller – he still totally sucks though)
Ramsay Bolton aka Any Non-Dairy
PURE EVIL. BOTH ARE PURE EVIL. Ramsay has thankfully died so it’s time that non-dairy ice cream follows suit so it can stop torturing everyone it comes into contact with.
Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, the Unburt, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons aka Blondie Ambition
“Buttery Brown Sugar Ice Cream with Blonde Brownies and butterscotch toffee flakes”
Dany got more blonde and ambition than this flavor could ever dream of. BJ really needs to get a more kickass flavor because this was her closest flavor counterpart and it does her zero justice. But hey, I tried. I’m just going to pretend that Blondie Ambition doesn’t melt in fire and is destined to take over the ice cream world.
Jon Snow aka Hazed and Confused
“Chocolate & Hazelnut Ice Creams with Fudge Chips & a Hazelnut Fudge Core”
Dude knows nothing. He’s constantly hazed and confused. Yet still is one the best characters out there – and boy, this flavor is one of the best out there. Talk about a match made in GOT ice cream heaven. If this flavor ever goes to BJ graveyard tho, even temporarily, I will cry more than I did during Jon’s stabbing. Just sayin.
Xtine from the House of Fatass, Drinker of Wines and Mother of Food Babies