The Tale of the $86.00 BJ

Ladies and Gents take a sit, pop a squat, or sit the fuck down (whichever vernacular you prefer, for I have a scary story to tell…

It all began the other night. Now this night seemed like any ordinary night. But then, suddenly a feeling took over my body: I must get Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I frantically looked at my clock. The clock read 10:something pm. If I must get my BJ, I must go to a place few travel so late at night. I must go to 7/11.

The 5 minute drive felt like it took 5 million years. However, that being said I only almost crashed once which is a great minute to almost crash ratio for me. Now, basically an old woman, I finally get to 7/11. I walk to the back, get my delicious pint of Cookie Dough, I approach the register and pay for my goodie.

Then the madness began…

I  reach for my car keys. A look of panic suddenly sweeps across my face as I scream “FUUUUUCK MEEEE”. Words that I regret saying immediately and then question why I god ever thought it was a good idea to give me vocal chords. Then, I remember that as soon as I walked in I debated getting a donut. Maybe I left my keys in donut cabinet. I skip over to check. Nothing. Maybe I left my keys in the ice cream freezer. I do another excited skip. Still nothing. I then slowly walk over to my car where my worst fear was confirmed. My keys were in the ignition of my locked car.

Being the fourth time in 2016 that I have done this. I knew what had to be done. Since my father cut me off of Triple A after this occurred the 2nd time, I had to call a locksmith. You would think that this being my fourth time I would have a go to locksmith. But you would be mistaken. You see, locksmiths remember you. They say things like “see you again soon” and “I knew you would need me again”. So I had to pick one I knew I hadn’t used before. Beep boop baap I dial the first locksmith unfamiliar not sketchy sounding locksmith on Google.

What you are now about to read is the detailed transcript I wrote down in my notes on my phone as I waited for the locksmith at 7/11 at night:
“After arguing with Indian worker man about giving me the exact address because he couldn’t understand me, I tell the locksmith. Locksmith says he’ll be there in 30 minutes. It’s 10:45 .. I wait inside

I don’t want my precious ice cream to melt so I secretly hide it in a dippin dots fridge by exit. I stand there. Waiting. It’s been 2 minutes.

Girls give me stink eye, boys gave me head nod.. To say I felt like a prostitute would have been an understatement. But it also left me questioning: why was 711 such a hot spot at 11pm? Don’t these people have jobs tomorrow? Places to be? Literally anything else to do? (Hindsight reading this I see the hypocrisy in these sentiments since, I too, was at the same 7/11 at the same time. But whatever, IDGAF.)

Indian man keeps talking to me and asking incoherent questions. When I tried to answer his “bsjs be jdkxa dke” question by saying “what” he looked at me like I was insane and def didn’t understand a word what I was saying. I am bored and frustrated.

An African American worker has arrived. I’m excited to get someone who speaks English behind the 7/11 counter. Hopefully she can occupy me.

Nope.  She  too does not speak English. I am bored and frustrated yet again.

Instead of crowds, 7/11 seems to be slowing  down. People come in one by one

One dude keeps walking in and out scratching his balls.  He has a ponytail. I shall call him ponytail ball scratcher.

A Short haired angry lady just walked in… Was she angry BC she had short hair or short hair BC she was angry. She points to the pizza in the heat lamp and asks the Indian man what it was. Indian man doesn’t understand her. She leaves angry. Doesn’t get pizza.

Now comes a short balding man dressed in a bow tie but no jacket. He bought lottery tickets. Maybe he wants more money to buy another bow tie. I don’t ask. He leaves.

A nice lady pretty dress, no bra and tits out arrives.. She winks at me.

Indian man just asked if I was waiting for anyone. Great to know he understood 0% from the 10 times I have already explained my situation.

People walking in and out multiple times seems happens often .. Nipple wink lady just walked back in.

Indian man just asked how old nipple lady was.. Why? Fuck if i know! But I do find out she’s 40 . Indian man said he thought she was under 18 .. He just asked if she liked to party.. Did he use to work at Mystic in Winter Park ?

7/11 has roses. Oooo maybe I’ll buy myself one!

Fuck a rose, I want something to eat.

Just bought myself donuts since I donut know what to do with myself. Ha ha, get it? Donut, do not .. pure genius.

Fuck donut joke is kind of lame. Donut is delicious.

It’s just me and Indian man now, where did other worker lady go?

It’s been 15 mins.

Red Bull comes in kiwi flavor. You can learn a lot waiting in a 7/11.

The workers are now scrubbing the food machines in silence.

I walk around.

A confused man in glasses and ripped up clothes comes in. Like the bow tie man, he too  is balding and short. He quickly leaves. No purchase.

Now a chubby Asian man is here. He said hello to me.

Locksmith just called. He is 10 minutes away. He also doesn’t speak English. I am sensing a pattern.

Another man scratching his balls and looking either distraught or on crack comes in .. Let’s see if we can determine which by what he buys.. It’s two gigantic mango gator aides (which I didn’t even know was a thing) and not ice cream.. He must be on crack.

Asian man and Indian get into a scruffle about a pricing discrepancy. You can heckle prices here? I am confused.

They have lots of hunting hats here.

Bow tie man is back.. I’m starting to get even more confused.

He bought more lottery tickets. I think he needs an intervention. How do people get on the show Intervention? Can I get on it?

I never want to go to 7/11 again. Note to self: remind self to remind someone to remind me to make copies of my keys.

After a minor absence from walking in and out, ponytail ball scratcher is now back. Do these people live here? He is also always on the phone.

An old man in all black and a chain walks in. I think mafia. Is there even a mafia in Palm Beach? I must look into this.

A Mexican man is smoking a cig outside staring. I am scared but not too scared. Wonder if he can see me typing this. Do a dance if you can see me typing this.

No dance from Mexican man.

It’s been 12 minutes since the locksmith said 10 minutes.

There’s now a get together in the parking  lot. Apparently 4 old friends of ponytail ball scratcher. He seems excited but “needs to get money first.” I was eavesdropping.

Got another phone call from locksmith . He says one minute. I prepare for 30.

Part of ponytail party asks worker to borrow phone because he is locked out of his house. I debate telling him I have locksmith coming. About to tell when locksmith calls to say he is outside. I feel bad, but not too bad.

This is the sketchiest locksmith ever. I am scared. He drives a blank blue van. He has a 300 pound lady in very little clothing in front seat.  He also very expensive. $20 for service in 20 minutes by butt! I am upset. I must learn this craft.

People are literally chilling in this parking lot. And by people I mean ponyballs and friends.

They ask how I got it unlocked so fast. It’s been a hour. I am confused. Also why are they still here. Scared for my life I just say: “I don’t know.” They tell me they could have broken into my car for me. I don’t know how to handle this situation. If they can break into shit why don’t they help their friend break into his house? I am also mildly offended that they didn’t try to steal my car.

Locksmith has completed task but still won’t let me leave. He must call a phone number to get my credit card payment through. I’ve already gotten my ice cream out of dippin dots box. I am loosing my mind.”

Eventually, by some miracle .. I do in fact get home.

Ice Cream: $6.00

Locksmith: $80.00

Loosing my dignity and being terrified for my life for over an hour at 7/11 just to spend $86 dollars on a pint of Ben and Jerry’s : Priceless.


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