People do a lot of crazy things for love: quit their stressful jobs, move cross country, stick a cinnamon roll can up their butt..
Yep, you read that correctly. Don’t believe me that there would be a man so crazy and reckless? FOOL – clearly you’ve never been to Vegas (or have hung out with me). Please indulge in the my spark notes version of the following news story:
Shit (literal shit) You Can’t Make Up: Cinnamon Roll Can Explodes Inside A Dude’s Butt
A dude named Martin and his boyfriend, Jerry, tried to steal some shit from a Walmart in Las Vegas. Fortunately for us who can now laugh at them, things didn’t really go as planned.
The got to this Walmart when most people in Vegas either go to bed or keep drinking, 11am and shimmy towards the breakfast aisle (1st mistake not getting ice cream). They then double fist cans of Cinnamon Rolls and continue their shimmy towards the men’s room.
Now is when things get interesting.
After the 2 little love birds were in the bathroom for 20 minutes, an employee at store went into “to wash his hands” (I’m not one to point fingers but I’m calling bullshit on that – dude was definitely going in there to text or jerkoff or shit or something, like come on he works at Wal-Mart not a church!). Anyway, as he’s in there he hears a man in a stall moaning and goes from a liar to a tattle tale.
Security guards then approached Martin and friend. Martin freaks, cries for mommy, and then…
“I asked Mr. Klein to show me the items he had taken into the restroom,” said Michael Jones, a security guard at Walmart. “Mr. Klein denied taking any items into the restroom and then he walked away toward the front of the store. I followed him as he met up with the other person he was in the restroom with. I grabbed Mr. Klein and that’s when his friend squeezed KY Jelly in my face. KY got all in my eyes and on the floor. I attempted to grab Mr. Klein and that’s when both of us fell. I fell on top of him and that is when I heard a loud popping noise. Mr. Klein screamed loudly and then fluid started running from his backside. It was so disgusting but at least I caught the suspect.”
DEAD. I AM LITERALLY DEAD. Someone get this security a freakin medal. Apparently that fluid down Marty’s backside was none over than of the Cinnamon Roll cans he grabbed. Yep, meaning that dude stuck a Cinnamon Roll can up his butt. And those things are not thin! Like dayuuum him and and his boy toy must get at it a lot. Which also explains the boyfriend’s statement following Martin’s obvious arrest (please note what he calls Martin):
“I hope my Mr. Martini will be ok. We just wanted to spice up the love making tonight with something sweet and thought that some Cinnamon Rolls would do the trick. Well at least my darling got the Cinnabuns he wanted. I hope he has some leftovers for me to try.”
Like i don’t know where to even begin. This love is pure. They got it all: pet names, eager to spice it up, a hearty appetite. I just want to know what exactly they were planning to use the Cinnamon Rolls for! A dildo? A snack? A costume? All I know is that Mr. Martini and boy toy had a love for either each other or from Cinnabuns so pure, that one stuck it up their butt. He did butt stuff to do more butt stuff. And to think some people think romance and chivalry is dead! Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dirty Martini could have just paid the 2 bucks and avoided this whole situation- but romantics like him are passionate, retarded beings. I think his mugshot says it all:
This whole story not only made me laugh so hard I peed a little, but it also made me ask myself the question: Would I do butt stuff for love? Obviously, it would be with a Ben and Jerry’s pint of Cinnamon Buns Ice Cream instead of Cinnamon Roll can.
Ice cream would definitely be squishier.. but would I stick it up my butt for love? HELL THE FUCK NO.. that shit would melt, and ain’t anybody got time for melted ice cream!
(A special thanks to Cat for finding the original article)