It’s Fourth of July! And what better way to celebrate America than by celebrating 2 of America’s favorite things: getting fat and war! Where am I going with this? No, I am not gonna make two fatties fight to the death. I might be mean but I’m not THAT mean. Rather, I am going to make two BJ flavors fight to the death.
Sadly, I did not initially intend for this post to go this way. I went to the store yesterday afternoon with the fullest intents of picking the single most American BJ (emphasis on single). Unfortunately for my summer bod, Publix had other plans.
First off, they had a sale: buy 1 get 1 free. Free ice cream? SIGN ME THE EFF UP! Sure being skinny is fun, but double fisting ice cream is funner. Secondly, picking the most American flavor was IMPOSSIBLE. Obviously I could eliminate some off of the bat (i.e. any flavors I didn’t want to eat by using illogical reasoning) and after 20 minutes and 3 seperate Publix employees asking if I needed help, I was able to narrow it down to 2: Americone Dream and Empower Mint. So given the fact that I couldn’t decide and had to get 2 anyway it seemed only necessary to have a battle royale with winner getting nothing!
Let the fight for the most American ice cream commence! (My future shrink is going to have so much stellar material to work with)
Round 1: Appearance
Americone Dream: Despite its potential for creativity, this carton is just a normal BJ carton. Literally the only difference is that it has Stephen Colbert (this is Stephen Colbert’s official flavor) pointing at an ice cream cone. At least Stephen Colbert is the most American comedian. I mean he did run for president after all. But where are the bald eagles flying? Or Chuck Norris? Or literally anything else American?! Here’s hoping this flavor is a grower, not a show-er.
Empower Mint: Instead of Stephen Colbert holding an ice cream cone it has a cow in an American flag top hat. Still no bald eagle, but close.
Winner: A COW IN AN AMERICAN TOP HAT. Need I say more? Empower Mint wins this round.
Round 2: Description
Nation! This pint contains 1776% of your recommended daily allowance of freedom! It may be illegal to lick the Lincoln Memorial*, but with this ice cream you can do the next best thing and lick liberty! *seriously, it is.
It greatly exaggerates, talks about destroying property, references various American monuments and the year 1776. Hell, it even calls us Nation!
Democracy is in your hands! This fudge-filled flavor reflects our belief that voting gives everyone a taste of empowerment, & that an election should be more ‘by the people’ and less ‘buy the people!’ We all deserve an equal serving of democracy.
It says democracy is in our hands but I don’t remember voting for this flavor. Hello hypocritical! Not to mention, why is BJ getting all serious and political? If I wanted to face problems instead of avoid them, I would be watching CNN not eating my feeling.
Winner: Hmmm funny or serious, which one will I choose? LIKE IT’S EVEN A QUESTION! Americone Dream = winner.
Round 3: The Actual Ice Cream
Our parents always said that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, and this couldn’t be more true when it comes to ice cream.
Americone Dream: This ice cream says it’s vanilla with caramel swirls and chocolate covered waffle cone pieces – which does not sound American tasting what so ever. Not to mention, I think waffle cones are disgusting. Who wants stale waffles? Not me! But boy, are the ingredients deceiving, because when they combine, HELLO MAGIC. The vanilla and caramel put together tastes like beautiful cheesecake. The chocolate covered waffle cone pieces meanwhile create a taste of potato chips. I am not even kidding. It tasted like potato chips, and I mean it in the best way possible. As I am typing this I realize that this sounds disgusting, but TRUST me it’s not. Every time I took a bite and heard the “crunch” I felt like it was speaking to my soul and saying “we love you too xtine”. Only downside I found was that due to the large amount of waffle cone pieces, it was really hard to get spoonfuls. But, hey – maybe that’s a pro because you have to work for every bite, making it even more rewarding.
Empower Mint: This ice cream is mint with fudge swirls and brownie pieces. YAWN! Like omg talk about a bad version of their Mint Chocolate Cookie flavor! Not to mention there were barely any brownie pieces. Is this flavor calling Americans cheap?! I don’t thiiiink so! It was a very refreshing taste and the rare bites with brownie were excellent. But over all it tasted worst that 711 name brand. SMH.
Winner: Americone Dream, it’s utterly amazing, just like the good old USA.
ANNNNND THE WINNER IS…
Neither, sorry but neither flavor is American enough to be the most American BJ flavor. BJ needs to get off their booties and haul ass to the kitchen, make a red,white, and blue flavor that tastes like heaven and freedom’s long lost baby and deep fry it. Definitely with some pie pieces. Maybe even a hamburger or hot dog (hey if waffle cones taste good, who knows!). Until then, if you want to put something American in your mouth, you might as well give a cowboy a blow job.