A miracle has occurred. I have awoken today without a hangover. I feel so pure. So clean. So good. While my already cracked cell phone may have sang, “pool full of liquor then you dive in,” making it go full retard, my body has found itself immune to the adverse effects of alcohol today. PRAISE THE LORD HALLELUJAH.
This may not seem like a big deal to most, but to me this is bigger than Kim Kardashian’s ass. You see, normally, if I have one sip of alcohol, the next day I wake up at 3pm shaking, crying, and unable to do anything but watch Netflix and consume ice cream. So today, when I woke up at the early bird time of 12:20 feeling like I was walking on sunshine, I made the most of it. I went on a run, went to the beach, did grocery shopping, did my laundry, cleaned my apartment, etc. etc. It’s been great!
There’s only one little problem: I feel way to productive to just sit and watch Netflix and eat ice cream (words that I thought I would never utter this lifetime). So what the hell am I supposed to do to occupy myself?!
Well ladies and gents, we are going to play a little game.. (cue Saw dude rolling in on his bike saying “I want to play a little game” – would totally add meme of him but he’s scary as fuuuuuuck)
What game? Well, we sure ain’t gonna play Yahtzee! Ok, have you guys ever play “who would you rather do” when your friends name 2 dudes, chicks, or whatever and you have to pick which one you would rather sleep with? That’s the game we are going to play, just instead of choosing who to sleep with, it’s going to be who to give a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to.
Homeless Man or Your Last Uber Driver
Uber driver. My last uber driver took me the wrong way and past abandoned buildings making me have my hand on the door handle so I could jump out and run away if he tried to murder me. I legit thought he was a creepy murderer. I was wrong. Please, last uber driver, accept this hypothetical BJ as an “I’m sorry I thought you were going to try to kill me.” I also choose my last uber driver because if I picked a homeless man that would mean I would have to get close enough to the homeless dude to give it to him. Homeless dudes smell! I don’t want to smell a smelly homeless dude! No thank you.
Tom Brady or Lebron James
TOM BRADY IS A CHEATNG CRY BABY AND AN OVER-RATED LOSER THAT CAN GO TO HELL. Lebron was in Trainwreck. BJ for Lebron James.
Worst Sex Ever or Best Sex Ever
I’m a virgin so I can’t answer this question.
Taylor Swift or Kanye
The last thing the world needs is another Taylor Swift song, especially one about Ben and Jerry.”Why did you leave me lalala” – oh I know why, because you’re a crazy ass clingy bitch! That pint would probably grow legs and run away if I even tried to give it to Taylor. Kanye West is the easy winner. He starred in the Fish Sticks episode of South Park which is one of the top ten greatest South Park episodes of all time. Kanye Kanye 2020.
Hilary Clinton or Monica Lewinsky
Donald Trump. Yes, I realize he is neither Monica or Hilary (I’m not f*ckin retarded), but just imagine Trump’s little hands holding a pint of BJs. The pint would look so big. I die just thinking about it.
Kylie 2013 or Kylie 2016
Kylie 2016 is constantly snapchatting or taking selfies or making out with old wannabe rappers. I don’t think the girl would be able to eat the BJ even if she wanted to! Like how can she eat it and snapchat at the same time?! Impossible! Due to this technical difficulty, I’m going to have to go with Kylie 2013. Regardless, I just wish some ice cream will make her feel better about deciding whether to buy the red or the black high heels for Father’s Day.
Ben or Jerry
WHAT TYPE OF CRUEL DEVIL WOULD EVER MAKE ME PICK BETWEEN THESE TWO?!?!? Oh yeah.. it was me. Whatever, I choose both because my game, my rules and IDGAF
This was more fun than a drunk dance floor make out (DFMO)! Who would y’all rather give a BJ to????