Eating ice cream is cool. But do you know what’s even cooler than eating ice cream? Eating it in a manner to ensure optimal pleasure.
Lucky for you, you don’t have to get fat experimenting different ways of eating ice cream until you get fat. I already did that for you. Which is why I feel it’s my right, no my duty, to share my findings. Consider this the Karma Sutra guide to Ben and Jerry’s (yo, if you actually ever listen to any of this advice please do it while eating Karamel Sutra Core flavor because that would be just too perfect). Prepare to have your taste buds blown!
Tip Numero Uno: Don’t Look At the Nutrition Label
Calories don’t count if you don’t see them. Fact. So if you avoid the nutrition label on your pint you can focus on the flavors and satisfying your cravings and quit worrying about your cellulite. And whatever you do, do NOT pick out your flavor based on the calories because you will regret. Less calories makes a huge difference in ice cream flavor and zero difference on your scale. If I’m wrong and it does make you fatter, whatever, more of you to love!
Tip Numero Dos: Be Drunk and/or High
If being fucked up can make a dollar cheeseburger from Mcdonald’s taste like filet mignon just imagine what it can do to ice cream. Not to mention, hello the perfect excuse to start chugging from that tequila bottle!
Tip Numero Tres: Eat it Straight from the Pint
A pint of ice cream is already the perfect size. Don’t fuck it up by putting it in a bowl or cone. It just makes it more frustrating to eat, maximize spillage, and just really grinds my gears. It’s a pint not a freakin tube. And why would you even want to do more dishes. I need to move onto the next tip because just thinking about putting BJ in a bowl is making me need a xanax.
Tip Numero Cuatro: Remember that Comfort is Key
Step away from the table and towards the couch. Turn on your favorite show (if you don’t have one I highly recommend checking out Stranger Things on Netflix). If you don’t like TV then you are an alien and GTFO of earth. Also, always remember to use the restroom before indulging. Nothing ruins an ice cream binge like a pee break (especially when you look into the mirror while washing your hands and see your reflection of yourself and how your face is covered in ice cream and you start regretting all of your life choices).
Tip Numero Cinco: Get Naked
Why? Everything is more fun when you’re naked! Think about it: there’s a reason why boning is better than dry humping and that reason is lack of clothes (On top of countless other reasons but I won’t even get started).
Now go run to the freezer, take your clothes off, and eat some ice cream!
*Disclaimer: I totally wrote this post in hopes these tips will make everyone love ice cream as much as I do because I’m a drug (whoops I mean ice cream) pusher.