Hypothetical question: would you rather steal money or ice cream?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that 99.9999% would choose money. WELL YOU 99.9999% ARE STUPID AND SELFISH.
Today, I present you with the true story of the .0001%. And these b*tches ain’t hypothetical.
Last week “ice cream bandits” (or as I like to call them, BJ bandits) wrecked havoc in New York City. For real, I can’t make this sh*t up. The news article about this was even titled verbatim: “Ice cream bandits are wreaking havoc on NYC supermarkets”
In true badass bandit style, this Bonnie and Clyde couple have been stealing pints of ice cream from Gristedes all over NYC and selling them to bodegas. Gristedes sucks and is overpriced and has the ugliest blue sign ever, so I think that these thieves are doing the city a favor. The fact that supermarkets that aren’t Publix even exist blows my mind.
Now these BJ Bandits don’t just grab one or two pints and sneak away giggling. These literal thugs go all out and make a scene. Last week, they managed to grab 49 cartons of Häagen-Dazs and 31 of Ben & Jerry’s. All while store employees were running after them! Now that’s skill! My only critique is that they should get all Ben & Jerry next time because Haagen-Daz is for old ladies that have forgotten what good ice cream tastes like.
Who are these BJ Bandits and when shall they strike again? Fuck if I know! All I do know is that if they ever try to steal a BJ from me I will unleash a can of whoop ass allllll up in their ass or whatever.