Question: do y’all have hands?
Hopefully, you answered yes to that question. If you didn’t, I’m sorry and this is awkward.
Well, for the hopeful majority of you with hands, it’s time for you to put them to use! How? By eating with them! Now I’m not talking about using your hands to hold a spoon or fork or whatever utensil you might prefer (pitch fork, scissors, whatever I don’t judge). Rather, I’m referring to eating with your bare hands, which automatically makes things taste better! Think about it, a slice of scrumptious pizza just doesn’t taste the same if your one of those weirdos who eat it with a fork and knife. It might be the massive amount of hand germs making it more favorable, however, I truly think that eating us brings us back to simpler times, before our species had silverware (side note: have you been to Medieval Times restaurant? If not, GO!). Or possibly, simpler times of teenage years when just doing hand stuff was more than enough.
But let me digress. Why am I talking about hand stuff? BECAUSE GOD HAS ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS. BEN AND JERRY ARE LAUNCHING PINT SLICES. These are slices of BJ ice cream, covered in chocolate, that you can eat WITH YOUR BARE HANDS! Picture them like klondike bars but not disgusting. These little handfuls of happiness will come in 4 flavors: Americone Dream, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, and Vanilla Peanut Butter Cup. All flavors are amazing and I know that they will hopefully launch more flavors in the future because this is America and everyone loves a little diversity (except President Oompa Lumpa Trump)! Also these launch nationwide this month which is just in time to ruin our summer diets!
My only complaint is that there are only 3 per box! Like are you kidding me?!!! All i need is one in each hand and one in my mouth to finish a box?!!! NOT ENOUGH BJ!!! I need at least 6! Size does matter though so who knows, maybe they will be really big (it’s so much fun being delusional sometimes)!
Anyway, since you only need one hand to eat these suckers, here is a list of all the things that you can do while eating BJ’s Pint Slices:
- Double fist BJ’s because 2 is always better than one
- Use it as a chaser while you pound shots with the other hand
- Lift weights so you negate the calories #science
- Drive, there’s no laws against eating and driving!
- Steal a puppy from a puppy store and give it to me
- Punch anyone who calls you fat in the face
- Punch anyone who looks at you in the face
- Text random people in your phone and ask for dick pics
- Take dick pics and text them to random people in your phones
- Give a handy
THE LIST CAN GO ON AND ON
Now go get these suckers fast because I am going to be stocking up and eating them ALL (I’m not obese I swear).