Do you ever have one of those days when you have the urge to just punch someone in the face? Do you ever have one of those weeks? Or months? Years?! If not, you’re either Jesus Christ himself or a humongo liar, congratulations. If yes, welcome to the club! (It’s a fun a club I swear)
However, all fellow club members mustn’t fret. Unless your name is Ebenezer Scrooge, Bill Belichick, Grumpy Cat, or random commuter on NYC Subway, it’s not your fault you want to bring pain to another a human being, rather it’s that annoying little dip shit’s fault! But violence is not the answer, mainly because punching hurts you just as much as it hurts them and no one wants a bruised pair of bloody knuckles, but also because it is cruel and totally wrong. This is why I am advocating a different approach: we give them BJs.
Now, hear me out, I’m not crazy (well I’m not THAT crazy), i swear. By giving annoying little dip shit’s that we want to punch in the face a good old pint of Ben and Jerry’s, all of our problems are solved! They stop talking or doing whatever stupid ass thing they’re doing to eat it and then, once consumed, they are more likely to become happy little cuties because they are nice and full from a beautiful tub of sugary goodness. It’s like the fatass approach to helping the Grinch’s heart grow 3 times it’s size.
So, to help put this plan into action, I’ve formulated the following list of the 5 biggest twats who I think really need a good old BJ to the face. And, yes, while I don’t personally know 4 out of the 5 people on this list, it is my right as an American to pass unwarranted judgement and post it on the internet for all to see 🙂
1. Adolf Hitler
Ok, this dude definitely 100% deserved to get shot in the face, not a BJ to the face. However, that being said, maybe if he found the joy of ice cream his soul wouldn’t be a black and filled with so much hate. Because ice cream raises our serotonin, and serotonin makes us happy, and happy people just don’t murder millions and millions of innocent people, they just don’t! And yes, the great Elle Woods once made a convincingly similar argument.
2. Nick Viall
Now I know what you’re thinking, “Xtine, you can’t list the same person twice!”, and while Nick does have a micropenis and is a total ass with horrible facial hair like Hitler, he is not remotely as evil. However, he still sucks and totally needs a BJ! Nick completely ruined what so many women hold dearly to their hearts: the Bachelor franchise. He is a slut shammed Andi Dorfman on national television, supposedly terrible in bed, a total fame whore who will do anything the producers tell him, can’t even speak coherently, looks like a serial killer, and the list goes on and on. I honestly don’t get how any woman could EVER have any feelings for him besides utter disgust. His worst crime of all: eliminating television gold, Corrine.. and for that, I will never forgive him.
There is nothing worse in this world than a hangover. Well, there are things like world hunger, poverty, homelessness, etc. so let me rephrase my previous statement. *There is no first world problem worse than a hangover. Hangovers have the ability to transform normal human beings into absolute ghouls. They paralyze us and make us say horrible things like, “I hate alcohol” and “I’m never drinking again”. However, this treachery is beatable. Just like Superman and his kryptonite, hangovers has it’s ice cream to bring upon its total destruction.
4. Lord Voldemort
Anyone who has seen (or most likely not seen) me or spoken to me the past few weeks knows that I have started reading, and have hence become utterly obsessed with, Harry Potter. So obviously I could NOT not include He Who Must Not Be Named from this list. This dude is a total buzzkill and murderer. Like you’re powerful, we get it, but why do you have to kill non magic peeps or anyone who gets in your way? Don’t muggles have it bad enough that they can’t clean their room with just a flick of a wand without your murdering them for no reason? Like take a chill pill Lord V, or better yet, eat some ice cream.
5. Kevin Costner
My entire life I have grown up with my Fajah telling to me over and over again, “Kevin Costner is the greatest actor of all time.” Yet over and over again I would watch any and all Kevin Costner movies, from Dances with Wolves to Tin Cup and everything in between, and I would be amazed with how horrible he was. This dude straight up is the worst actor I have ever seen! He has a monotone voice and one facial expression! He, and he alone, is proof that the Oscars are bullshit. If Kevin Costner can win an Academy Award, who else can? Kim Kardashian?! Maybe a little bit of delicious ice cream will open his palate, his acting palate that is.
*Honorable Mentions: People Who Don’t Let Me Steal Their Dogs, Taylor Swift, Tom Brady, Everyone
Now, these are just a few of the countless people who need a BJ. Don’t limit your BJ giving capabilities. And if the person is EXTRA annoying, feel free to “accidentally” throw the pint at their face 🙂