SHOCKING DISCOVERY: The 1 Thing Better Than a BJ

God, are you there? It’s been a million and one days since my last confession, and while I have a million and two sins that need to be absolved, I think that I should begin by confessing the sins of all sins, the crime of all crimes, THE ABOMINATION OF ALL ABOMINATIONS:

For the past month, I have been having an illicit affair… I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I was overtaken by lust and desire as all my morals were thrown out the window… for the past month, I have been cheating on BJ with TJ.. and no, I’m not talking about TJ Maxx.

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WE WERE ON A BREAK

Call mea cheater cheater ice cream eater because I have been stabbing my beloved Ben & Jerry in the back by getting my ice cream from Trader Joe’s. Now, anyone who knows me can vouch that my love for Trader Joe’s is nothing new. I almost made this blog TJs with Xtine but it just didn’t have the same flow or seem appropriate. TJs legit has the most amazing food products in the world: spinach tortellinis, 5 dollar wine, bread and baked goods up the hoo ha, the list goes on and on. However, throughout my years as being a TJ connoisseur, I’ve managed to demonstrate self control by steering clear of the ice cream isle and staying loyal to BJs… that is, until I saw it: Cookie Butter Ice Cream.

It was love at first sight. If Cookie Butter Ice Cream was a state it would Tennessee because it’s the only ten I see. I couldn’t help myself. I forgot that BJs ever existed. For that moment in time, it was just me and Cookie Butter Ice Cream.

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I excitedly grabbed it, forgot the rest of my shopping list, and sprinted to checkout. It was the longest drive home of my life and even longer wait once I got home since I need to wait for it to refreeze that to the fact that MY POS (piece of sexy) CAR TURNS INTO A SAUNA AND MELTS ALL THINGS CLOSE TO MY HEART.

But the wait was worth it. As soon as my lips touched it’s white smooth surface, I knew that we were meant to be.

Exactly how good is Cookie Butter Ice Cream? Let me put it to you this way: as I took my first bite of this decadent bit of heaven, time stopped, doves started flying over head and Harry Styles began serenading me in background as I saw Jesus riding a pink unicorn gallop off into the sunset. This shit was THAT good.

Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter Ice Cream surpassed all ice cream expectations and is hands down the best thing I’ve ever had in bed (I like to be cozy and comfy while I eat, sue me). TJs described its overall essence best:

It begins as humble-yet-rich vanilla ice cream, carefully crafted using fresh cream from the Midwestern United States and Madagascar vanilla extract.  Pieces of Belgian Speculoos cookies are blended into the ice cream, and then comes the pièce de résistance, the not-so-secret ingredient that makes all of our ice cream wishes come true – a ribbon of Trader Joe’s Speculoos Cookie Butter…

Like how do these ice cream chefs or whatever they’re called think of these things?! This ice cream literally had hunks of cookie butter squares, and when I say “hunks” I don’t merely mean large pieces but rather gosh darn fiiiiiiine pieces. Not to mention, TJs ice cream isn’t in tiny little pints but in HUGE pints. I don’t know the exact size but if I was to name it it would be called, um PERFECT.

The only downside is that it’s outside art piece shows an ice cream cone falling! If I want to see something sad and life shattering I would turn on Titanic and skip to the scene where slutty spoiled Rose refuses to share the lifesaving door with perfect human being Jack. I don’t want to tear up by looking at an ice cream container! Save the sad shit for Sarah Mclachlan animal abuse commercials, TJs!

However, all in all this ice cream was DOPE and if you are ever in Trader Joe’s you NEED to get it, unless you are a masochist who never wants to feel true happiness. But if Trader Joe’s is not yo thang or waaay too far away, I suggest Ben & Jerry’s Spectacular Specaloos Cookie Core , which is no Cookie Butter Ice Cream but is a pretty decent runner up. It’s kinda like the smaller, less attractive little bro of your crush: not nearly as good but part of the same family so it will do.

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Cookie Butter Ice Cream is like the dude who you never thought you would go for but you give him a chance and then he blows your socks, and panties, off.

P.S. I’ve made a Twitter tweeter twatter so make sure to follow me, or don’t, I don’t really care.

2 thoughts on “SHOCKING DISCOVERY: The 1 Thing Better Than a BJ

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