Hello, welcome. How are you feeling today? How do those feelings feel? Step into my office and start calling me Dr. Xtine because I’m about to scoop out and serve on a silver platter some psychological analysis (emphasis on anal) for y’all.
Now, while I may not “technically” be a doctor or a psychiatrist or even a fully functioning adult, I did take this Psych elective in high school so I’m like totally qualified. Not to mention, I’m currently reading this book* (read more at bottom) that was a huge hit and a New York Times Bestseller that makes me feel super smart, because contrary to what I thought was a rule of thumb, despite being a bestseller this book was no easy read. I straight up have to read each page twice. Of course this could also mean that either my concussions have caught up to me, my 2012-2013 molly binge has caught up to me, or me no read good, however I refuse to believe any of that. Anyways so yeah, this book is to me like that pesky spider is to Peter Parker, it gives me super powers. However, unlike good old Spiderman, instead of having powers that resemble a spider, I have powers that resemble a psychoanalyst.
And what shall I use these newly found super powers of intellect for? No, not to save the human or even to save the polar bears, but rather for something much much much more important: to determine what some popular Ben & Jerry ice cream flavors would be like if they were people! Hello partaaaay!!!
So sit back and buckle up for safety, mothaa fuuuckers. We’re in for a wiiiiild psychological analysis!
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: CCCD might as well stand for cool, cute, caring, and dependable because that’s what this girl is! (wow I just reread that sentence and I sound like such a homo, but hey, I’m just calling them as I see them). However, despite being the quintessential cool girl, she can get a little boring and forgettable at time so you don’t always hit her up, but when you do. you know that you can always count on her. This bitch’s got your back. BFFs 4 Everrrrr
Peanut Butter Cup: PROTEIN PROTEIN PROOOOTEEEEIIIN!!! PBC is alllll about dat protein and fitness, and fittin this whole pint into their mouth. He’s the quintessential gym rat that has anger issues, bacne, tiny penis, and 100% takes steroids. He also is incapable of going to the gym and NOT taking a mirror selfie, because obviously, pics or the workout didn’t happen. This dude will straight up miss his own mother’s funeral if it landed on leg day. It’s just all about #GAINZ
Americone Dream: Mr. Dream is cute, has an awesome personality, is fantastic and attentive in bed, etc. However, despite these remarkable qualities he has one major flaw: he cannot not post a political facebook status at least every 3 hours. Status after status, fake news after fake news, this dude just cannot take a break from providing poorly researched and supported political “facts.” He’s so annoying on social but so dreamy in person, it really causes a predicament. Luckily, this predicament can be solved by blocking him on social media, which not only makes you look hard to get, but makes you not want to stab him in the face next time you see him.
Pumpkin Cheesecake: Oh sweet jesus, where do I even begin to talk about Pumpkin Cheesey Face. To summarize: she embodies the PSL basic bitch, yet is so much more. And my so much more, I mean so much worse. She is convinced that she is a yogi master, despite not being able to touch her toes, solely because
her mom a friend caught her falling from a handstand at the perfect time. Her job description is “blogger” and she complains about “work” every single day despite her hobby job solely involving taking selfies. She also most definitely has a closeted gay boyfriend, but hey! as long as he films her vlogs for her blog, who the frick cares!
Urban Bourbon: A mysterious alcoholic, Mr. Urban Bourbon is definitely a creative type. He most likely carries around a guitar, copy of his favorite book, and a heavy weight on his shoulders due to a sketchy past. You don’t know much about him besides the fact that you know that you want to get into his pants. However, if you achieve this feat there’s an 60% chance that he will 100% cry after boning.
Pistachio Pistachio: Pistachio, pistachio, a dude so nice that they named him twice. Totally kidding about the so nice part, I mean he is nice, but not like “omg Pistachio Pistachio I love you” nice, more like “ugh Pistachio Pistachio I want to tell you to shut up but I don’t want to mean” nice. He’s a vegan, only eats food that real food eats, smells like dirt, has a man bun, and still lives at home because it’s “better for the environment” however it’s really because working at the local hipster coffee shop only pays so much.
Chubby Hubby: Chubby hubby is literally a chubby hubby. SURPRISE you’re the wifey!
Non-Dairy: Just the worst, the absolute worst. He/she is all of your ex-lovers, bosses, mortal enemies, and satan himself combined and rolled up into the hands down most repulsive human being on planet earth. Anytime they walk into a room, you throw up a little bit in your mouth in utter disgust.
Well, there you have it. Hopefully now you can never look at ice cream the same. Also, on a side note, I totally picture all of these people in clothes that are the same color scheme as their pints and it’s too much fun, I HIGHLY recommend doing the same.
*In a ball sack, this book, entitled Thinking, Fast and Slow, basically describes how and why we think how we think and how and why everything we think is most likely wrong. The author argues that instead of relying on intuition, expertise, and judgement, that we should instead rely on statistics when making any decisions or predictions. LIKE WHAAAAT?! This NOBLE PRIZE WINNER is basically granting us permission to go full retard and let computers do all the hard thinking for us! I’m telling ya, even though my brain apparently isn’t worth 5 nickels and a blow job, I think this shit is fascinating. Seriously check out this book,
only my loser self all of the cool kids are doing it!