Life’s short so lets skip the gilly gallying and jump right into this hypothetical situation:
Summer is rapidly approaching, yet you resemble a fat cow that ate another (slightly smaller) fat cow. You can’t be seen looking like an obese hannibalistic cow in bikini! What if Todd, the outrageously hot dude you’ve been eye-fucking at yoga class, sees you?! OH THE HORROR THE ABSOLUTE HORROR!!!!! So, to avoid this so-called “horror” you make the ballsy decision to cut out all happiness from your life an go on this thing called a “diet” (shivers).
But just because you don’t eat happy things, doesn’t mean that you don’t eat any thing! Hello, you’re dieting, not aneroxic! So you decide to go to the grocery store to stock up on some
cardboard kale and some horseshit quinoa. That’s when it happens: suddenly a strange phenomena that you can’t quite explain (this same phenomena is also frequently experienced at a bar after a few tequila shots when you see anything that resembles anything semi-cute) starts pulling you past isle 2, past isle 3, past isle 4, and right to isle 5: the ice cream isle. Now if this was any other week, ending up in the ice cream isle would be called “a trip to the grocery store”, but this isn’t any other week.. this week you are on death row a diet. Now, while you can get one of those healthy ice creams that are only 300 calories per pint, that’s not really what you want, that would only leave you unsatisfied, wanting something better…wanting something real.
As a result, you are faced with the ultimate dilemma: to buy a pint or not to buy pint.
Luckily for you, if you are ever faced with the hypothetical situation and dilemma above, I have made things extremely easy for ya. For below, I have outlined the 5 best excuses to cheat on your diet and treat yourself to a little Ben and a little Jerry.
5. It’s the Weekend
If you ended up going grocery shopping on the mother freakin weekend then you 110% deserve to treat yo self with a little bee jay jaaay. Not only do you need something to emotionally eat after the hell that is weekend grocery shopping … like ohhh myyyy goooood those gosh darn parking lots, you would think that they sent out a flyer that said “all people who shouldn’t drive yet by some miracle still have their license please come to the Publix parking lot this Sunday from 9am-9pm” (shivers). Plus, calories don’t count on the weekends so eat UP.
4. You’re Hungover
I may be no rocket scientist but I think it’s safe to say that any hangover over the age of 22 is a serious health condition, no.. any hangover over the age of 22 is more than that, it’s a life or death matter. Thanks to my old age and minor alcohol problem, I have done extensive research, which has lead me to the following conclusion: ice cream (particularly of the mint variety and particularly particularly Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie flavor) is the ultimate hangover cure. While being skinny is important, isn’t it more important to be alive?
3. You’ve Just Received a BJ
Congrats! You did it! You finally managed to get off without doing any work yourself! You finally managed to get an actual blow job! What better way to reward yourself for this amazing feat than with another, albeit different type of, BJ? Spoiler alert: there is not better way, well besides with actual sex.. but hey you can’t win them all. I’m sure you’ll lose your virginity
never ever ever one day!
2. You’ve Just Given a BJ
As the great Samantha Jones once said, “they don’t call it a job for nothing.” Well the work day is over and you deserve to cash in that paycheck for some real Ben and Jerry’s. Not to mention, I bet you my left tit that you can’t think of a better way to get that gross ass jizz taste out of your mouth (shivers).
1. You Want One
IF YOU WANT THAT BJ YOU GO GET THAT BJ! There’s no point in torturing yourself. All of America is obese anyway so why be a skinny overachiever. And I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, that a pint of ice cream will not make you fat. 1000000 in one single sitting will, and if you eat that many that’s just impressive. However, if any loser does call you fat or makes fun of you for cheating on your diet here’s a life hack: buy another pint of ice cream and shove it RIGHT UP THEIR ASS!
P.S. After you feed your bellies, don’t forget to feed my narcism by following @Bjs_With_Xtine on Instagram!