In the fat ass justice system, non-dairy ice cream based flavors are considered especially heinous. In Fat Ass City, the dedicated eaters who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Eaters Unit. These are their stories…
Hell has officially frozen over: I am on a diet. Moreover, I am on a diet Monday-Friday. Moreover moreover, I am not eating dairy or gluten Monday-Friday. Moreover moreover morever, what hell is the matter with me?!
While this diet goes against everything I believe in, losing 5 pounds in 5 seconds without changing any lifestyle habits is apparently impossible (believe me, I tried), so here I am.
But it gets worse. Because of my new weekday dietary constraints, when my family, whom I visited this weekend, took me to get a BJ on Friday, I was forced to face my lifelong mortal enemy: Ben & Jerry’s dairy-free ice cream.
Now picking one of these flavors is like being forced to choose between horse shit, cow shit, and chicken shit. But then a miracle happened, I spotted a dairy-free flavor that didn’t make throw up in my mouth a little just by looking at it.
What was this flavor? It was none of than PB & Cookies.
So I grabbed it, posted up on my go-to beanbag at my Dad’s house, turned on a movie, and took a bite…
This flavor was a combination that I’ve been waiting for ever since I saw Parent Trap for the first time as an innocent young child, years before Lindsey Lohan did cocaine only 6 or 7 times. And unlike my past dairy-free experience, this one wasn’t an abomination to all things sacred and happy.
That being said, I need to ask WHY THE HELL IS THERE NOT A REAL DAIRY OPTION OF THIS FLAVOR?!!!! It’s cruel and unusual punishment if you ask mw. Like don’t get me wrong, the gigantic and basically whole oreo cookies and glorious flakes of crispy peanut butter were amazing, but there was just something off. It’s like when someone acts all sweet and everything to your face, but you just know in your heart of hearts that they are totally a major bitch who will blow your boyfriend if they ever got the chance. Sure she may seem nice, just like the flavor seemed delicious, but you know deep down that it’s a whole big scam. I would say that this flavor was missing something, but there’s no point since what it’s missing is more obvious than hello captain obvious (and for all you retards out there, I’m referring to the fact that it’s missing dairy).
I get that these dairy-free flavors aren’t made for extreme ice cream enthusiasts like myself, but rather those who can’t enjoy the amazing normal BJ flavors, and that’s great. However, I do have a qualm when THEY MAKE 1 OF THE 2 ONLY BJ FLAVORS WITH OREOS DAIRY FREE AND THE OTHER 1 OF THE 2 (mint chocolate cookie) IS MORE RARE THAN A VIRGIN IN A WHORE HOUSE. It’s mean and it’s cruel, but luckily, until Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry get their heads screwed on face, this dairy-free version of an ice cream flavor with huge potential will do.
That being said, I’m suddenly extremely intrigued into why there are a lack of oreo BJ flavors, specifically a lack the greatest ice cream flavor of all time: cookies and cream. Not to mention, they don’t even call the oreos oreos but rather chocolate sandwich cookies. Is there major dramz between BJ and oreo? Did Ben’s girlfriend dump him for an executive at the oreo headquaters? Did Jerry choke on an oreo and see his life flash before his eyes as a young lad? There are just so many questions and so few answers. However, I will do research and, thanks to years of experience cyber stalking, I WILL find the answers.
Verdict: To conclude this rant ice cream review, while dairy-free still sucks, if you’re a lactard, on a non-dairy diet, or are a masochist, PB & Cookies is hands-down the way to go.
Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (not gonna lie, when I went to get a pint today, despite it being my cheat day, I was a wee bit disappointed that they didn’t have any more of this flavor left).
Pro Tip: Wear a bib though because, similar to gluten-free breads, dairy-free ice cream is messy and flies all over the place.
Like boning a dude who’s really hot but a hipster vegan. While he does surprise you with a move or two and treats you right, you still wind up missing the meat-eating douche bag you dumped 2 weeks ago.