Quick question: What does Harry Potter and BJs have in common?
Obvious answer: THEY ARE BOTH ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN AMAZING
While I am anything but new to the world of BJs and ice creamy goodness, I cannot say the same about Harry Potter. In fact, I absolutely despised Harry Potter up until January of this year.
How is this even possible?!
Well, me, I’m so glad that you asked… me!
I was a full-fledged Harry Potter hater solely because everyone else loved it. I HATED that so many people, all of which were so different, could be so utterly obsessed with a dumb boy wizard (not gonna lie, typing those three words is an extremely hard task now given my undeniable love). He wasn’t even cute!!! Clearly, hating something because others loved it is on my long list of things that I need to discuss with my therapist, however, I have changed. I have become the very thing that I despised. I am now a full-blown Harry Potter lover.
It all began during one of my “new year, new me” trying to better myself experiments. I decided to give Harry Potter a whirl and JK Rowling must have cast a charm on those mother f*cking books because next thing I knew I was knees deep in books and I couldn’t stop. And when I say couldn’t stop, I mean a thug with a gun to my head yelling, “stop reading or I’ll shoot” couldn’t even stop me. I finished all of the books and movies in less than 2 months and my social life had never been worse. I wish I could take credit for stopping my 2 month addiction to Harry Potter, but alas, I cannot. It only ended because I ran out of supply, a void I have filled by crying into my ice cream pint whispering to myself, “you’re a wizard, Harry”.
Anyways, if you haven’t read Harry Potter WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?! STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT AND START READING YA CRAZY!!!! But if you have, then I welcome you with open muggle arms.
Now, how the hell am I going to tie Harry Potter and ice cream together? Well, I could take the easy route and assign each character to a flavor, but there are so many Weaselys and so few fire crotch appropriate flavors outside the months of October and November (shout out toPSL). So rather, I am going to partake in an annual Hogwarts ceremony: sorting mother effers into houses with the sorting hat.
Just as a little refresher: the sorting hat sorts witches and wizards into one of four houses. There is Gryffindor for brave mother effers, Ravenclaw for smart mother effers, Slytherin for cunning mother effers, and Hufflepuff for the .. how do I put this nicely.. super duper kind and caring but lame ass leftover mother effers.
So for todays post I am going to take some ice cream brands (obviously BJs will be included) and sort them into their appropriate houses because what else do I have to do on a Sunday evening?!
Welcome to Hogwarts bitches!
Dippin Dots: Ravenclaw
Dippin Dots is freakin smart. They found the ONLY flaw of ice cream (the fact that it melts) and made it a non-issue. Not only did they make it a non-issue but they placed themselves where people crave ice cream the most and where they could charge the most: amusement parks. DD would 110% give every Ravenclaw (and even Hermonie) a literal run for their money.
Blue Bell: Hufflepuff
Blue Bell is hands-down the most underrated ice cream brand, just like Hufflepuff is the most underrated house. Blue bell has the most splendid flavors that no other ice cream brand dares to take on.. like they have 3 different cake flavors (birthday cake, bride’s cake, aaaaand groom’s cake.. but more on that another week) for christ’s sake! I know no matter which specific craving that I need help to kick, they got my back. Not to mention, they are over generous by giving not just a quart of ice cream, but rather a whole half gallon. Blue bell has a heart of gold and accepts all flavors, and if I didn’t love eating it so much I would just want to give it a hug and make it be my best friend (I’m not crazy I swear). That being said, no one really thinks Blue Bell and thinks “wow they’re sooo cool” (except in the literal cool sense because it is an ice cream after all).
Halo Top: Slytherin
Halo Top is a sly sly dawg. They know how if there are things that skinny bitches hate it’s gluten, dairy, and calories. But they also know that skinny bitches love ice cream. So what did these snakes do? They went against everything ice cream is and everything ice cream believes in solely to make a buck and to create an ice cream with no dairy, gluten, and minimal calories. And it tastes good! I’m heated just thinking about how they undermined the entire ice cream industry. Placing them in any house other than Slytherin would be an insult to their brand.
Ben & Jerry’s: Gryffindor
BJ is Harry Potter, Dumbledore, the Weasleys, Hermonie, Neville, and everything that is good in the world swirled into one amazing ice cream pint. Between crazy and experimental flavors, standing up for politics and things that they believe in, and refusing to go mainstream and larger than a pint, there are no other ice cream brands, or food brands in general, that can hold a candle to BJ’s bravery and heroism. 1000000 points for BJs!!!!
Bonus – Haagen Dazs: Squib (wizard-born with no magical powers loser)
Haagen Dazs may be technically an ice cream but it has no flavor powers and has no place at Hogwarts or any ice cream isle. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HAAGEN DAZS HAPPEN PUBLIX, IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
Alright, that was fun! Now I’m going to find a new way to distract myself from the fact that Harry Potter is done and over and there will never be another book quite as amazing as long as live.. no biggie…
P.S. Don’t forget to follow @bjs_with_xtine on Instagram!