BREAKING NEWS: Your Ultimate BJ Fantasy Has Finally Came True

Ok, so the title might be a little bit of “fake news” since what I’m about to tell you isn’t  necessaryily “breaking” (the story came out like a week ago but hellllloooooo ever heard of this little thing called fashionably late?!) and I ain’t a mind reader so how the hell am I supposed to know your ultimate BJ fantasy… hell, for all I know your fantasy could be naaaaaaasty (dirty sanchezs and golden showers do exist after all). Now that I got that little white lie of a click bait title off my hands, lets get down to business to defeat..the huns .

THE SAINTS OF ALL SAINTS, SIR BEN AND SIR JERRY, HAVE ENABLED THE ABILITY TO ORDER ANY PINT AT ANYTIME STRAIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!

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Yep, you read that right. You can officially get all of your favorite BJs without ever having to leave your bed, walk out your front door, or converse with another human being. I’m so happy I get tears in my mind thinking about it. Thank you Ben, thank you Jerry, thank you freezer technology that makes all of this possible, and thank you laziness for making this news so grand.

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Not only is this innovation A-FREAKIN-MAZING for the whole lazy, antisocial, fat pig upsides, but also because it’s going to do great things for your palate. How exactly? Let me explain. In the dark ages, before BJ delivery, you would go to your local grocery store or 711 or wherever the hell sells some pints and be forced to make a selection based on what they had aka the same 10 flavors. Now while these 10 flavors are all amazing (cough except cherry garcia cough) there’s still 40 other pint flavors that you are missing out on! I literally haven’t been able to find a Cookies & Milk or Cinnamon Buns in the state of Florida, but now.. you don’t have to find them, you just have to order them. Aaaaand the tears of joy are coming back again…

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However, just like a good dick typically comes with a request to do anal, there’s always a catch. And in the case of BJ deliveries, this catch comes in the form of a hefty price tag. Exactly how hefty? $19 FREAKIN DOLLARS FOR STANDARD AND $50 DOLLARS FOR OVERNIGHT SHIPPING! Like cool BJ, let me just go out to my money tree, climb up on my money tree ladder, and pick all of my green little money tree bills like they were tiny little apples LOL JK IM POOR.

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I would suggest a protest, but fuck that. It’s better to be poor, fat, antisocial, and snuggled up in a snuggie double fisting Cookies & Milk and Cinnamon Buns than rich, skinny, popular, and I don’t know doing cool social things.. like go drink your kale smoothies in between crossfit and talking about crossfit you weird creatures!

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What I saw after I looked up “loser” in the dictionary

Anyways, if you want to get your online shopping on and get BJs delivered straight to your door, just visit their online store today!

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