All I Want for Xmas is BJs

It’s officially holiday season, and you know what that means! Pumpkins on pumpkins on David S Pumpkins. For the past few months there have LITERALLY been pumpkins everywhere. Pumpkins in the street, pumpkins in the patch, pumpkin spiced lattes (gross), pumpkin pie (yum), pumpkin candles (delicious.. smell not for taste, obviously), just like myself anytime I begin talking, the list goes on and on and on. Seriously, what will they try to pumpkinize next?! Cat and dogs?! I swear if I walk down the supermarket isle next year and find them selling pumpkins as pets I will SCREAM.

Me looking at all the pumpkin things in this world.

So with the national obsession from September through January being pumpkins, it should come as no surprise that the ultimate gift giver Santa Clause Ben & Jerry’s make their holiday flavor none other than: Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream. As a flavor described as, “we took the great taste of pumpkin cheesecake & gave it an ice cream upgrade, complete with a complementary graham cracker swirl, so it’s more than just a great flavor: it’s a first-class ticket to pumpkin wonderful,” I obviously needed to try it and tell y’all all about it.

So I embarked on this journey to try BJs holiday flavor, and even though most pumpkin flavored things are a total hit and miss, I was kinda pumped. But I should have known that my excitement was a sign of the bad things to come. I excitedly drove to Publix and ran on over to my home away from home: the ice cream isle. I scanned the shelves quickly.. and then slowly.. and then a million times again until I discovered IT WASN’T THERE. So I rush and drive to my other Publix and IT ALSO WASN’T THERE. What can I say, god CLEARLY hates me (because famine, war, and disease, obviously don’t compare to this horrible first world problem of all first world problems).

Apparently, this flavor is only available at  Wal-Mart right now and I would rather starve than step foot in a Wal-Mart. I’m sorry, I’m a failure but if you are intrigued by trying this flavor, I’m sure it’s amaze purely based on the fact that I can’t have it and all the best BJ flavors are impossible to find (here’s looking at you Cookies & Milk and Cinnabuns) for some cruel reason. 

But just because BJ Pumpkin season was a total belly flop, doesn’t mean you have to miss out on tasting holiday fun and joy. Here are two flavors that taste so splendid I swear I hear angels sing every time I take a bite:

Blue Bell’s Christmas Cookie Ice Cream

This is hands down the greatest ice cream that ever was and I am not ashamed to admit it. Ice cream BAE consists of sugar cookie ice cream (who even knew there was such a flavor?!?!) filled with sugar, chocolate chip, and snickerdoodle cookies and swirled with scrumptious green icing.

It’s like the good old folks at Blue Bell sat down and finally thought, “Yo you know what we should do that’s crazy?  Combine the three greatest desserts (ice cream, cookies, AND cake)!” LIKE WHY IS THIS THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. Take any high teenager and ask them to create an awesome ice cream flavor and I’m sure that they would have come up with the SAME exact flavor in 10 minutes. So how does it feel, major ice cream conglomerates? How does it feel to be slower than a high teenager?

My only complaint with this real MVP is that they fucked up with the name. The only other bigger name blunder waswhen I named my 6th birthday gift, a very short haired and angry cat that was anything but fluffly, Fluffy. Like what the fuck does christmas have to do with this ice cream besides the color green and that they both bring utter happiness to this world? Not only does it make no sense, but deeming it “Christmas cookie” makes it become a limited batch, WHICH IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.  So to help the good old folks of Blue Bell out, I have come up with the following name substitutes: Heaven on Earth, Legal Crack, Happiness in a Tub, Better than Sex, and my personal favorite: If Xtine Was an Ice Cream This Would Be It Because They’re Both Perfect.

Publix’s Apple Pie Ice Cream

If someone took an apple pie, put ice cream on top, then mixed it all up and put it in an ice cream carton, it would be this ice cream. Everyone knows apple pie is the second best pie (after pecan but before pumpkin.. speaking of WHERE IS THE PECAN ICE CREAM. Now there’s a holiday flavor that needs to happen) so it should come as no surprise that this ice cream does not disappoint. The apple pie pieces are huge and there are tons throughout so you’ll be satisfied no matter where you scoop.

This is the actual ice cream equivalent to home and just makes me want to talk to my grandma and watch christmas movies in front of a fire. One great idea I haven’t been an obese piece of lard enough to try: putting this ice cream on top of a warm apple pie.. actually I think I’m ready, so I’m gonna wrap this future Pulitzer Prize winning blog up so I can put this plan into action.. See y’all after consumption and when I weight 500 pounds.

BONUS TIP: I HIGHLY recommend consuming all these suckers until you get so sick you never want to eat them again. Why? Because that nauseous feeling of death is soooo much more enjoyable than the utter heartbreak you will feel come January. The end of the holiday season is bad, but the end of the holiday ice cream flavor season is far, far worse.. almost as bad as your aunt asking if you always plan on being a disappointment to the family.

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