Why I Should Be Able to Give Others BJs (A Rant)

How many times have y’all heard the saying “it’s better to give than it is to receive.” I know I personally have heard that lovely sentiment at least 560,932,421 times thanks to my extreme selfishness and inability to be happy with any gifts I unwrapped during every holiday from 1992 – 2012 (I’ve changed, I swear). So, anyway, after listening to that broken record 560,932,421 times, isn’t it time not only to understand but to put into practice? I sure as hell think so!

As a result, since I love getting BJs (Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to all the newbie clowns who might mistake that acronym for something else like BJ Wholesaler or blue jeans), instead of getting good old BJs for myself, shouldn’t it be time I spread the joy of getting creamy goodness in your mouth (and maybe on your clothes if you’re messy) with others? SPOILER ALERT: the answer is yes.

Now, you may be asking, “Xtine, where the hell are you going with this?!” or you may have stopped reading because you are a terrible person who deserves a good old dick slap to the face. Well, here is the big shabang: I MUST open a BJ franchise OR DIE (gasp!).

Ok, so the “die” thing may have been a wee bit of an exaggeration but I promise you the franchise part of that declaration was not (ok maybe it was a wee wee bit of an exaggeration but definitely less of an exaggeration than me dying).



Two months later:

I was sober when I wrote what is above, and the saddest part is that I feel blackout about it (I blame having a real job that I’m actually passionate about currently and working hard for this recemt realization, sorry not sorry) but stayed tuned for a complete rant…if you dare… queue for that one. I’m drunk HEHE.

All I Want for Xmas is BJs

It’s officially holiday season, and you know what that means! Pumpkins on pumpkins on David S Pumpkins. For the past few months there have LITERALLY been pumpkins everywhere. Pumpkins in the street, pumpkins in the patch, pumpkin spiced lattes (gross), pumpkin pie (yum), pumpkin candles (delicious.. smell not for taste, obviously), just like myself anytime I begin talking, the list goes on and on and on. Seriously, what will they try to pumpkinize next?! Cat and dogs?! I swear if I walk down the supermarket isle next year and find them selling pumpkins as pets I will SCREAM.

Me looking at all the pumpkin things in this world.

So with the national obsession from September through January being pumpkins, it should come as no surprise that the ultimate gift giver Santa Clause Ben & Jerry’s make their holiday flavor none other than: Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream. As a flavor described as, “we took the great taste of pumpkin cheesecake & gave it an ice cream upgrade, complete with a complementary graham cracker swirl, so it’s more than just a great flavor: it’s a first-class ticket to pumpkin wonderful,” I obviously needed to try it and tell y’all all about it.

So I embarked on this journey to try BJs holiday flavor, and even though most pumpkin flavored things are a total hit and miss, I was kinda pumped. But I should have known that my excitement was a sign of the bad things to come. I excitedly drove to Publix and ran on over to my home away from home: the ice cream isle. I scanned the shelves quickly.. and then slowly.. and then a million times again until I discovered IT WASN’T THERE. So I rush and drive to my other Publix and IT ALSO WASN’T THERE. What can I say, god CLEARLY hates me (because famine, war, and disease, obviously don’t compare to this horrible first world problem of all first world problems).

Apparently, this flavor is only available at  Wal-Mart right now and I would rather starve than step foot in a Wal-Mart. I’m sorry, I’m a failure but if you are intrigued by trying this flavor, I’m sure it’s amaze purely based on the fact that I can’t have it and all the best BJ flavors are impossible to find (here’s looking at you Cookies & Milk and Cinnabuns) for some cruel reason. 

But just because BJ Pumpkin season was a total belly flop, doesn’t mean you have to miss out on tasting holiday fun and joy. Here are two flavors that taste so splendid I swear I hear angels sing every time I take a bite:

Blue Bell’s Christmas Cookie Ice Cream

This is hands down the greatest ice cream that ever was and I am not ashamed to admit it. Ice cream BAE consists of sugar cookie ice cream (who even knew there was such a flavor?!?!) filled with sugar, chocolate chip, and snickerdoodle cookies and swirled with scrumptious green icing.

It’s like the good old folks at Blue Bell sat down and finally thought, “Yo you know what we should do that’s crazy?  Combine the three greatest desserts (ice cream, cookies, AND cake)!” LIKE WHY IS THIS THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. Take any high teenager and ask them to create an awesome ice cream flavor and I’m sure that they would have come up with the SAME exact flavor in 10 minutes. So how does it feel, major ice cream conglomerates? How does it feel to be slower than a high teenager?

My only complaint with this real MVP is that they fucked up with the name. The only other bigger name blunder waswhen I named my 6th birthday gift, a very short haired and angry cat that was anything but fluffly, Fluffy. Like what the fuck does christmas have to do with this ice cream besides the color green and that they both bring utter happiness to this world? Not only does it make no sense, but deeming it “Christmas cookie” makes it become a limited batch, WHICH IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.  So to help the good old folks of Blue Bell out, I have come up with the following name substitutes: Heaven on Earth, Legal Crack, Happiness in a Tub, Better than Sex, and my personal favorite: If Xtine Was an Ice Cream This Would Be It Because They’re Both Perfect.

Publix’s Apple Pie Ice Cream

If someone took an apple pie, put ice cream on top, then mixed it all up and put it in an ice cream carton, it would be this ice cream. Everyone knows apple pie is the second best pie (after pecan but before pumpkin.. speaking of WHERE IS THE PECAN ICE CREAM. Now there’s a holiday flavor that needs to happen) so it should come as no surprise that this ice cream does not disappoint. The apple pie pieces are huge and there are tons throughout so you’ll be satisfied no matter where you scoop.

This is the actual ice cream equivalent to home and just makes me want to talk to my grandma and watch christmas movies in front of a fire. One great idea I haven’t been an obese piece of lard enough to try: putting this ice cream on top of a warm apple pie.. actually I think I’m ready, so I’m gonna wrap this future Pulitzer Prize winning blog up so I can put this plan into action.. See y’all after consumption and when I weight 500 pounds.

BONUS TIP: I HIGHLY recommend consuming all these suckers until you get so sick you never want to eat them again. Why? Because that nauseous feeling of death is soooo much more enjoyable than the utter heartbreak you will feel come January. The end of the holiday season is bad, but the end of the holiday ice cream flavor season is far, far worse.. almost as bad as your aunt asking if you always plan on being a disappointment to the family.

Once Upon a BJ…

Once upon a BJ, there was a little elf. But this little elf wasn’t any regular little elf, he was an angry little elf. Everywhere the angry little elf went, he would yell and roll his eyes and be crabby, even when talking to a cute little girl elf with really nice eyes and elf titties.

What was making angry little elf so angry?

This was the question that has been plaguing the little elf village for years, no decades, no CENTURIES (elves live for an incredibly long time).

Was it because angry little elf was ugly? No, he was an incredibly handsome angry little elf, resembled a young Leonardo DiCaprio in fact.

Was it because angry little elf had a tiny penis? No, he was very well endowed, hung like a horse in fact.

Was it because angry little elf needed to get laid? No, he got mad bitches, just had a 2-hour slam smash last night in fact.

So what could it be?

And then it dawned on the little elf village: angry little elf was hungry.

Since he was spending all his time yelling, rolling his eyes, being crabby, looking at his gorgeous self in the mirror, measuring his massive penis, and boning all of the little elf ladies, he had forgotten to eat, and everyone knows that a hungry little elf is an angry little elf.

After this realization, the little elf village decided to take action. Strong little elf kidnapped angry little elf and tied him to a chair. Angry little elf was tied so hard to that chair that he couldn’t even move his little elf pinky if he tried. Then, chef little elf got the biggest and grandest bowl of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and the most beautiful little elf silver spoon. Strong little elf forced angry little elf’s mouth open as chef little elf quickly shoved the spoon into his mouth like it was a frat boy trying to get a blow job from that cute, yet prudish, sorority girl.

Then, as soon as the ice cream touched angry little elf’s lips, everything changed. His heart grew three sizes and a rainbow erupted in the sky as birds sang beautiful songs. And then, a true miracle happened, angry little elf smiled. The elf village didn’t even know that his face was capable of making anything other than a scowl, but there he was smiling for all to see.

Strong little elf and chef little elf then untied not so angry little elf. Not so angry elf hugged and thanked them, calling them his best friends. Then, not so angry elf scurried into the kitchen, quickly moving his not so angry elf feet right into the freezer where he ate all of the ice cream…

Angry little elf was officially fat ass little elf and he lived happily fatter after!

The Ultimate Threesome Experience

What’s better the one amazing thing? Two amazing things.

And what’s better than two amazing things? Three amazing things. (And no, I’m not going to get into “what’s better than three amazing things?” because four amazing things is just too much and it’s important to not be greedy!)

Well bow down bitches because I got the lowdown on not one, not two, but THREE amazing things that are sure to change your life for the fatter better forever.

It’s time to ménage à trois this motherfucker with good old Blue Bell Ice Cream.


Blue Bell is EASILY the most underrated ice cream brand OF ALL GOSH DARN TIME. If you haven’t tried any or all of Blue Bell, hop off your lazy ass and sprint to the closest grocery store as soon as flipping possible (yeah it’s hot out, but the ice cream will help cool you down and stop your gross ass sweat from getting too out of control). Every one of their flavors is so rich and decadent, yet unique. Not to mention, they come in both the itsy bitsy pint sizes AND the big and beautiful half gallons (the only other ice cream brand to offer this size in grocery stores is THE grocery store itself, Publix). Liiike helloooo people Blue Bell has a freakin flavor called Cookie Two-Step that COMBINES cookies dough and cookies n cream… AND THAT’S NOT EVEN THEIR BEST FLAVOR!!!

This now brings me to the biggest pro Blue Bell ice cream, something that literally lets you have your cake and eat it too… their Bride’s Cake, Birthday Cake, and Groom’s Cake flavor.


While most ice cream brands have merely one (if any) cake flavored treats, baby Blue Bell has the ultimate trifecta. All three are absolutely amazing yet so different yet so good, there honestly is no “best” one. For the first time ever I actually believe my dad when he says that he loves all the children equally because, for the first time ever, I love all of these flavors equally.

In fact, I know that these flavors are so grand that after you try them, if a genie gives you three wishes I bet your left nut that you will want to spend all three on these beautiful culinary works of art.

To further persuade you to have a threesome with Blue Bell, let me deep throat dive right in and tell you what’s in store (or rather, in the carton).


Bride’s Cake

The prettiest bride I’ve ever seen, who made my jaw drop as I walked down the aisle and saw her for the first time, is none other than the first Blue Bell cake flavor: Bride’s Cake.

This flavor consists of a luscious almond ice cream with white cake pieces surrounded by a rich amaretto cream cheese icing swirl.

Despite it’s cake flavor base, it’s surprisingly refreshing and so much more. It tastes like those rainbow cakes that losers’ would bring in for elementary school Christmas parties that were gross then but taste amazing now (probably because we are old and all of our hope, dreams, and joy is gone).


Like trying to bone a total cherub faced hottie but he says “no” because he doesn’t want to rush things because he likes you so much (gay) so he just goes down on your instead. 


Birthday Cake

Now there are countless of ice cream brands that attempt to recreate the magic of a birthday cake with the smoothness and of ice cream, but none can do it as majestically has partner number dos of this threesome: Birthday Cake.

This flavor is concocted from vanilla ice cream with pieces of chocolate cake, a chocolate icing swirl and bright multi-colored sprinkles.. but not just any sprinkles, sprinkles of happiness penis PENIS (sorry, I have turrets)

It essentially tastes like Coldstone Creamery’s remarkable Birthday Cake Remix but better since you can get it in massive size for the same price as Coldstone’s itsy bitsy weenie cup. This flavor is extremely heavy though so make sure you take it nice and slow and don’t over eat it unless you want to end up fat and alone for the rest of your life (which actually may be worth it given the amazingness of this ice cream gift from god).


Like having basically blackout sex with a smoking hot party boy that’s definitely not a good idea for your future wellbeing/dignity but is 100% the most amazing thing at the time. 



Groom’s Cake

Now, I have to admit that I was a wee bit hesitant to try this flavor at first. Something about it just scared me and I felt bad buying it instead of Bride’s Cake or Birthday Cake. But then I thought, “hey, this will probably the only time a groom will be in my mouth” so I dived in and tried the final corner of the triangle of perfection: Groom’s Cake.

This flavor is a whirlwind of luscious chocolate ice cream with chocolate cake pieces and chocolate coated strawberry hearts, surrounded by swirls of strawberry sauce and chocolate icing.

This genius cake ice cream is the perfect balance of decadent (thanks to the chocolate) and fruity (thanks to the strawberry sauce). It puts all your chocolate cravings to bed and straight up makes you smiles while eat it. If loving Groom’s Cake is wrong, I don’t want to be right.


It’s like finally saying yes to that tall, dark mystery man and finding out he has a certain big cock and all the moves“gift” in the bedroom that never stops giving.


Now don’t be a pussy and go have the greatest threesome of your life (excluding threesomes involving people).


BREAKING NEWS: Your Ultimate BJ Fantasy Has Finally Came True

Ok, so the title might be a little bit of “fake news” since what I’m about to tell you isn’t  necessaryily “breaking” (the story came out like a week ago but hellllloooooo ever heard of this little thing called fashionably late?!) and I ain’t a mind reader so how the hell am I supposed to know your ultimate BJ fantasy… hell, for all I know your fantasy could be naaaaaaasty (dirty sanchezs and golden showers do exist after all). Now that I got that little white lie of a click bait title off my hands, lets get down to business to defeat..the huns .



Yep, you read that right. You can officially get all of your favorite BJs without ever having to leave your bed, walk out your front door, or converse with another human being. I’m so happy I get tears in my mind thinking about it. Thank you Ben, thank you Jerry, thank you freezer technology that makes all of this possible, and thank you laziness for making this news so grand.


Not only is this innovation A-FREAKIN-MAZING for the whole lazy, antisocial, fat pig upsides, but also because it’s going to do great things for your palate. How exactly? Let me explain. In the dark ages, before BJ delivery, you would go to your local grocery store or 711 or wherever the hell sells some pints and be forced to make a selection based on what they had aka the same 10 flavors. Now while these 10 flavors are all amazing (cough except cherry garcia cough) there’s still 40 other pint flavors that you are missing out on! I literally haven’t been able to find a Cookies & Milk or Cinnamon Buns in the state of Florida, but now.. you don’t have to find them, you just have to order them. Aaaaand the tears of joy are coming back again…


However, just like a good dick typically comes with a request to do anal, there’s always a catch. And in the case of BJ deliveries, this catch comes in the form of a hefty price tag. Exactly how hefty? $19 FREAKIN DOLLARS FOR STANDARD AND $50 DOLLARS FOR OVERNIGHT SHIPPING! Like cool BJ, let me just go out to my money tree, climb up on my money tree ladder, and pick all of my green little money tree bills like they were tiny little apples LOL JK IM POOR.


I would suggest a protest, but fuck that. It’s better to be poor, fat, antisocial, and snuggled up in a snuggie double fisting Cookies & Milk and Cinnamon Buns than rich, skinny, popular, and I don’t know doing cool social things.. like go drink your kale smoothies in between crossfit and talking about crossfit you weird creatures!


What I saw after I looked up “loser” in the dictionary

Anyways, if you want to get your online shopping on and get BJs delivered straight to your door, just visit their online store today!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of BJs

Quick question: What does Harry Potter and BJs have in common?


While I am anything but new to the world of BJs and ice creamy goodness, I cannot say the same about Harry Potter. In fact, I absolutely despised Harry Potter up until January of this year.

How is this even possible?!

Well, me, I’m so glad that you asked… me!

I was a full-fledged Harry Potter hater solely because everyone else loved it. I HATED that so many people, all of which were so different, could be so utterly obsessed with a dumb boy wizard (not gonna lie, typing those three words is an extremely hard task now given my undeniable love). He wasn’t even cute!!! Clearly, hating something because others loved it is on my long list of things that I need to discuss with my therapist, however, I have changed. I have become the very thing that I despised. I am now a full-blown Harry Potter lover.


It all began during one of my “new year, new me” trying to better myself experiments. I decided to give Harry Potter a whirl and JK Rowling must have cast a charm on those mother f*cking books because next thing I knew I was knees deep in books and I couldn’t stop. And when I say couldn’t stop, I mean a thug with a gun to my head yelling, “stop reading or I’ll shoot” couldn’t even stop me. I finished all of the books and movies in less than 2 months and my social life had never been worse. I wish I could take credit for stopping my 2 month addiction to Harry Potter, but alas, I cannot. It only ended because I ran out of supply, a void I have filled by crying into my ice cream pint whispering to myself, “you’re a wizard, Harry”.

Anyways, if you haven’t read Harry Potter WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?! STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT AND START READING YA CRAZY!!!! But if you have, then I welcome you with open muggle arms.

Now, how the hell am I going to tie Harry Potter and ice cream together? Well, I could take the easy route and assign each character to a flavor, but there are so many Weaselys and so few fire crotch appropriate flavors outside the months of October and November (shout out toPSL).  So rather, I am going to partake in an annual Hogwarts ceremony: sorting mother effers into houses with the sorting hat.


Just as a little refresher: the sorting hat sorts witches and wizards into one of four houses. There is Gryffindor for brave mother effers, Ravenclaw for smart mother effers, Slytherin for cunning mother effers, and Hufflepuff for the .. how do I put this nicely.. super duper kind and caring but lame ass leftover mother effers.


So for todays post I am going to take some ice cream brands (obviously BJs will be included) and sort them into their appropriate houses because what else do I have to do on a Sunday evening?!

Welcome to Hogwarts bitches! 

Dippin Dots: Ravenclaw


Dippin Dots is freakin smart. They found the ONLY flaw of ice cream (the fact that it melts) and made it a non-issue. Not only did they make it a non-issue but they placed themselves where people crave ice cream the most and where they could charge the most: amusement parks. DD would 110% give every Ravenclaw (and even Hermonie) a literal run for their money.

Blue Bell: Hufflepuff


Blue Bell is hands-down the most underrated ice cream brand, just like Hufflepuff is the most underrated house. Blue bell has the most splendid flavors that no other ice cream brand dares to take on.. like they have 3 different cake flavors (birthday cake, bride’s cake, aaaaand groom’s cake.. but more on that another week) for christ’s sake! I know no matter which specific craving that I need help to kick, they got my back. Not to mention, they are over generous by giving not just a quart of ice cream, but rather a whole half gallon. Blue bell has a heart of gold and accepts all flavors, and if I didn’t love eating it so much I would just want to give it a hug and make it be my best friend (I’m not crazy I swear). That being said, no one really thinks Blue Bell and thinks “wow they’re sooo cool” (except in the literal cool sense because it is an ice cream after all).

Halo Top:  Slytherin


Halo Top is a sly sly dawg. They know how if there are things that skinny bitches hate it’s gluten, dairy, and calories. But they also know that skinny bitches love ice cream. So what did these snakes do? They went against everything ice cream is and everything ice cream believes in solely to make a buck and to create an ice cream with no dairy, gluten, and minimal calories. And it tastes good! I’m heated just thinking about how they undermined the entire ice cream industry. Placing them in any house other than Slytherin would be an insult to their brand.

Ben & Jerry’s: Gryffindor


BJ is Harry Potter, Dumbledore, the Weasleys, Hermonie, Neville, and everything that is good in the world swirled into one amazing ice cream pint. Between crazy and experimental flavors, standing up for politics and things that they believe in, and refusing to go mainstream and larger than a pint, there are no other ice cream brands, or food brands in general, that can hold a candle to BJ’s bravery and heroism. 1000000 points for BJs!!!!


Bonus – Haagen Dazs: Squib (wizard-born with no magical powers loser)


Haagen Dazs may be technically an ice cream but it has no flavor powers and has no place at Hogwarts or any ice cream isle. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HAAGEN DAZS HAPPEN PUBLIX, IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Alright, that was fun! Now I’m going to find a new way to distract myself from the fact that Harry Potter is done and over and there will never be another book quite as amazing as long as live.. no biggie…

P.S. Don’t forget to follow @bjs_with_xtine on Instagram!


The Declaration of Ben & Jerry’s

241 years ago some dude named Thomas Jefferson and his bros, ugliest president of all time John Adams, party animal Benjamin Franklin, unknown dude #1 Roger Sherman, and unknown dude #2 Robert R. Livingston wrote up the ultimate break up letter to Great Britain: The Declaration of Independence.


As anyone with an elementary school education could tell you, this declaration was basically the good old original 13 colonies telling Great Britain to go fuck itself because they were a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. This ended up going pretty well for the colonies, after a few years of getting down and dirty during the good old Revolutionary War, they ended up whooping G.B’s ass and forming the kick ass first and ask names later US of A.

Well, since it worked out so well for America, and because it is my patriotic duty to follow the beautiful example of doing whatever the f*ck I want set forth by our founding fathers, I decided to do something crazy…


I present to thee: The Declaration of Ben & Jerry’s

When in the final course of eating events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve their diet plans which have connected them with misery and to assume among the powers of the cravings, the delicious and decadent station to which the Laws of Foods and of Dessert’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of skinny people requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the feasting.

We hold these foods to be self-indulgent, that all ice creams are created delicious, that they are endowed by their Creator (cough Ben and Jerry cough) with certain unalienable Flavors, that among these are sweet, savory and the taste of Happiness. That to secure these flavors, freezers are installed within kitchens, deriving their just pints from aisle 8 of Publix supermarket.

That whenever any Form of Diet becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Fatties to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Diet, laying its restriction on such flavors and organizing its freezer in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Fullness and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Diets long established should not be changed for skinny and health causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that fatties are more disposed to suffer. But when a long train of starving and hangriness, pursuing invariably the same diet evinces a design to reduce them under absolute malnutrition, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Diet, and to provide new Guards for their future dessert. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Fatties; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Dietary Restrictions. The history of the present Healthy Diet is a history of repeated grossness and salads,  all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Misery over these Fatties. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

  • No ice cream suck
  • Salads and healthy things suck
  • Making people eat salads and healthy things instead of ice cream sucks
  • Diets suck
  • People should get to eat what they want unless you suck
  • Suck a cock you skinny twat

We, therefore, the Overeaters of the United States of America, in General Kitchens Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judgmental Bitches of the world for the rectitude of our eating habits do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Fatties of these Kitchens, solemnly publish and declare, That these overweight Fatties are, and of Right ought to eat all the ice cream they desire, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Gluten and Dairy-Free Diets, and that all physical workouts between them and the Gym, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Fatties, they have full Power to try all flavors, finish all pints, take cookies and make cookie ice cream sandwiches, eat a dessert after dessert, and to Eat Anything and Do Nothing which Independent Fatties may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Calories Don’t Count on the Weekend, we mutually pledge to each other our Stomachs, our Taste Buds, and our sacred Freezers.


Florida: Xtine

Vermont: Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry

PB & Cookies Dairy-Free AKA Lactard Heaven

In the fat ass justice system, non-dairy ice cream based flavors are considered especially heinous. In Fat Ass City, the dedicated eaters who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Eaters Unit. These are their stories…


Hell has officially frozen over: I am on a diet. Moreover, I am on a diet Monday-Friday. Moreover moreover, I am not eating dairy or gluten Monday-Friday. Moreover moreover morever, what hell is the matter with me?!


While this diet goes against everything I believe in, losing 5 pounds in 5 seconds without changing any lifestyle habits is apparently impossible (believe me, I tried), so here I am.

But it gets worse. Because of my new weekday dietary constraints, when my family, whom I visited  this weekend, took me to get a BJ on Friday, I was forced to face my lifelong mortal enemy: Ben & Jerry’s dairy-free ice cream.


Now picking one of these flavors is like being forced to choose between horse shit, cow shit, and chicken shit. But then a miracle happened, I spotted a dairy-free flavor that didn’t make throw up in my mouth a little just by looking at it.

What was this flavor? It was none of than PB & Cookies.

So I grabbed it, posted up on my go-to beanbag at my Dad’s house, turned on a movie, and took a bite…

This flavor was a combination that I’ve been waiting for ever since I saw Parent Trap for the first time as an innocent young child, years before Lindsey Lohan did cocaine only 6 or 7 times. And unlike my past dairy-free experience, this one wasn’t an abomination to all things sacred and happy.


That being said, I need to ask WHY THE HELL IS THERE NOT A REAL DAIRY OPTION OF THIS FLAVOR?!!!! It’s cruel and unusual punishment if you ask mw. Like don’t get me wrong, the gigantic and basically whole oreo cookies and glorious flakes of crispy peanut butter were amazing, but there was just something off. It’s like when someone acts all sweet and everything to your face, but you just know in your heart of hearts that they are totally a major bitch who will blow your boyfriend if they ever got the chance. Sure she may seem nice, just like the flavor seemed delicious, but you know deep down that it’s a whole big scam. I would say that this flavor was missing something, but there’s no point since what it’s missing is more obvious than hello captain obvious (and for all you retards out there, I’m referring to the fact that it’s missing dairy).

I get that these dairy-free flavors aren’t made for extreme ice cream enthusiasts like myself, but rather those who can’t enjoy the amazing normal BJ flavors, and that’s great. However, I do have a qualm when THEY MAKE 1 OF THE 2 ONLY BJ FLAVORS WITH OREOS DAIRY FREE AND THE OTHER 1 OF THE 2 (mint chocolate cookie) IS MORE RARE THAN A VIRGIN IN A WHORE HOUSE. It’s mean and it’s cruel, but luckily, until Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry get their heads screwed on face, this dairy-free version of an ice cream flavor with huge potential will do. 


That being said, I’m suddenly extremely intrigued into why there are a lack of oreo BJ flavors, specifically a lack the greatest ice cream flavor of all time: cookies and cream. Not to mention, they don’t even call the oreos oreos but rather chocolate sandwich cookies. Is there major dramz between BJ and oreo? Did Ben’s girlfriend dump him for an executive at the oreo headquaters? Did Jerry choke on an oreo and see his life flash before his eyes as a young lad? There are just so many questions and so few answers. However, I will do research and, thanks to years of experience cyber stalking, I WILL find the answers.


Verdict: To conclude this rant ice cream review, while dairy-free still sucks, if you’re a lactard, on a non-dairy diet, or are a masochist, PB & Cookies is hands-down the way to go.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (not gonna lie, when I went to get a pint today, despite it being my cheat day, I was a wee bit disappointed that they didn’t have any more of this flavor left).

Pro Tip: Wear a bib though because, similar to gluten-free breads, dairy-free ice cream is messy and flies all over the place.

ben jerrys pb n cookies non-dairy frozen dessert pint.jpg

ben jerrys pb n cookies non-dairy frozen dessert nutrition.jpg

Like boning a dude who’s really hot but a hipster vegan. While he does surprise you with a move or two and treats you right, you still wind up missing the meat-eating douche bag you dumped 2 weeks ago.

5 Best Excuses to Cheat and Get a BJ

Life’s short so lets skip the gilly gallying and jump right into this hypothetical situation:

Summer is rapidly approaching, yet you resemble a fat cow that ate another (slightly smaller) fat cow. You can’t be seen looking like an obese hannibalistic cow in bikini! What if Todd, the outrageously hot dude you’ve been eye-fucking at yoga class, sees you?! OH THE HORROR THE ABSOLUTE HORROR!!!!! So, to avoid this so-called “horror” you make the ballsy decision to cut out all happiness from your life an go on this thing called a “diet” (shivers).


But just because you don’t eat happy things, doesn’t mean that you don’t eat any thing! Hello, you’re dieting, not aneroxic! So you decide to go to the grocery store to stock up on some cardboard kale and some horseshit quinoa. That’s when it happens: suddenly a strange phenomena that you can’t quite explain (this same phenomena is also frequently experienced at a bar after a few tequila shots when you see anything that resembles anything semi-cute) starts pulling you past isle 2, past isle 3, past isle 4, and right to isle 5: the ice cream isle. Now if this was any other week, ending up in the ice cream isle would be called “a trip to the grocery store”, but this isn’t any other week.. this week you are on death row a diet. Now, while you can get one of those healthy ice creams that are only 300 calories per pint, that’s not really what you want, that would only leave you unsatisfied, wanting something better…wanting something real.


As a result, you are faced with the ultimate dilemma: to buy a pint or not to buy pint.

Luckily for you, if you are ever faced with the hypothetical situation and dilemma above, I have made things extremely easy for ya. For below, I have outlined the 5 best excuses to cheat on your diet and treat yourself to a little Ben and a little Jerry.

5. It’s the Weekend

If you ended up going grocery shopping on the mother freakin weekend then you 110% deserve to treat yo self with a little bee jay jaaay. Not only do you need something to emotionally eat after the hell that is weekend grocery shopping … like ohhh myyyy goooood those gosh darn parking lots, you would think that they sent out a flyer that said “all people who shouldn’t drive yet by some miracle still have their license please come to the Publix parking lot this Sunday from 9am-9pm” (shivers). Plus, calories don’t count on the weekends so eat UP.


4. You’re Hungover

I may be no rocket scientist but I think it’s safe to say that any hangover over the age of 22 is a serious health condition, no.. any hangover over the age of 22 is more than that, it’s a life or death matter. Thanks to my old age and minor alcohol problem, I have done extensive research, which has lead me to the following conclusion: ice cream (particularly of the mint variety and particularly particularly Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie flavor) is the ultimate hangover cure. While being skinny is important, isn’t it more important to be alive?


3. You’ve Just Received a BJ

Congrats! You did it! You finally managed to get off without doing any work yourself! You finally managed to get an actual blow job! What better way to reward yourself for this amazing feat than with another, albeit different type of, BJ? Spoiler alert: there is not better way, well besides with actual sex.. but hey you can’t win them all. I’m sure you’ll lose your virginity never ever ever one day!


2. You’ve Just Given a BJ

As the great Samantha Jones once said, “they don’t call it a job for nothing.” Well the work day is over and you deserve to cash in that paycheck for some real Ben and Jerry’s. Not to mention, I bet you my left tit that you can’t think of a better way to get that gross ass jizz taste out of your mouth (shivers).


1. You Want One

IF YOU WANT THAT BJ YOU GO GET THAT BJ! There’s no point in torturing yourself. All of America is obese anyway so why be a skinny overachiever. And I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, that a pint of ice cream will not make you fat. 1000000 in one single sitting will, and if you eat that many that’s just impressive. However, if any loser does call you fat or makes fun of you for cheating on your diet here’s a life hack: buy another pint of ice cream and shove it RIGHT UP THEIR ASS!


P.S. After you feed your bellies, don’t forget to feed my narcism by following @Bjs_With_Xtine on Instagram!


If BJs Were People: A Psychological Analysis

Hello, welcome. How are you feeling today? How do those feelings feel? Step into my office and start calling me Dr. Xtine because I’m about to scoop out and serve on a silver platter some psychological analysis (emphasis on anal) for y’all.

Now, while I may not “technically” be a doctor or a psychiatrist or even a fully functioning adult, I did take this Psych elective in high school so I’m like totally qualified. Not to mention, I’m currently reading this book* (read more at bottom) that was a huge hit and a New York Times Bestseller that makes me feel super smart, because contrary to what I thought was a rule of thumb, despite being a bestseller this book was no easy read. I straight up have to read each page twice. Of course this could also mean that either my concussions have caught up to me, my 2012-2013 molly binge has caught up to me, or me no read good, however I refuse to believe any of that. Anyways so yeah, this book is to me like that pesky spider is to Peter Parker, it gives me super powers. However, unlike good old Spiderman, instead of having powers that resemble a spider, I have powers that resemble a psychoanalyst.

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And what shall I use these newly found super powers of intellect for? No, not to save the human or even to save the polar bears, but rather for something much much much more important: to determine what some popular Ben & Jerry ice cream flavors would be like if they were people! Hello partaaaay!!!

So sit back and buckle up for safety, mothaa fuuuckers. We’re in for a wiiiiild psychological analysis!


Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: CCCD might as well stand for cool, cute, caring, and dependable because that’s what this girl is! (wow I just reread that sentence and I sound like such a homo, but hey, I’m just calling them as I see them). However, despite being the quintessential cool girl,  she can get a little boring and forgettable at time so you don’t always hit her up, but when you do. you know that you can always count on her. This bitch’s got your back. BFFs 4 Everrrrr

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Peanut Butter Cup: PROTEIN PROTEIN PROOOOTEEEEIIIN!!! PBC is alllll about dat protein and fitness, and fittin this whole pint into their mouth. He’s the quintessential gym rat that has anger issues, bacne, tiny penis, and 100% takes steroids. He also is incapable of going to the gym and NOT taking a mirror selfie, because obviously, pics or the workout didn’t happen. This dude will straight up miss his own mother’s funeral if it landed on leg day. It’s just all about #GAINZ


Americone Dream: Mr. Dream is cute, has an awesome personality, is fantastic and attentive in bed, etc. However, despite these remarkable qualities he has one major flaw: he cannot not post a political facebook status at least every 3 hours. Status after status, fake news after fake news, this dude just cannot take a break from providing poorly researched and supported political “facts.” He’s so annoying on social but so dreamy in person, it really causes a predicament. Luckily, this predicament can be solved by blocking him on social media, which not only makes you look hard to get, but makes you not want to stab him in the face next time you see him.


Pumpkin Cheesecake: Oh sweet jesus, where do I even begin to talk about Pumpkin Cheesey Face. To summarize: she embodies the PSL basic bitch, yet is so much more. And my so much more, I mean so much worse. She is convinced that she is a yogi master, despite not being able to touch her toes, solely because her mom a friend caught her falling from a handstand at the perfect time. Her job description is “blogger” and she complains about “work” every single day despite her hobby job solely involving taking selfies. She also most definitely has a closeted gay boyfriend, but hey! as long as he films her vlogs for her blog, who the frick cares!


Urban Bourbon: A mysterious alcoholic, Mr. Urban Bourbon is definitely a creative type. He most likely carries around a guitar, copy of his favorite book, and a heavy weight on his shoulders due to a sketchy past.  You don’t know much about him besides the fact that you know that you want to get into his pants. However, if you achieve this feat there’s an 60% chance that he will 100% cry after boning.


Pistachio Pistachio: Pistachio, pistachio, a dude so nice that they named him twice. Totally kidding about the so nice part, I mean he is nice, but not like “omg Pistachio Pistachio I love you” nice, more like “ugh Pistachio Pistachio I want to tell you to shut up but I don’t want to mean” nice. He’s a vegan, only eats food that real food eats, smells like dirt, has a man bun,  and still lives at home because it’s “better for the environment” however it’s really because working at the local hipster coffee shop only pays so much.


Chubby Hubby: Chubby hubby is literally a chubby hubby. SURPRISE you’re the wifey!


Non-DairyJust the worst, the absolute worst. He/she is all of your ex-lovers, bosses, mortal enemies, and satan himself combined and rolled up into the hands down most repulsive human being on planet earth. Anytime they walk into a room, you throw up a little bit in your mouth in utter disgust.


Well, there you have it. Hopefully now you can never look at ice cream the same. Also, on a side note, I totally picture all of these people in clothes that are the same color scheme as their pints and it’s too much fun, I HIGHLY recommend doing the same.

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*In a ball sack, this book, entitled Thinking, Fast and Slow, basically describes how and why we think how we think and how and why everything we think is most likely wrong. The author argues that instead of relying on intuition, expertise, and judgement, that we should instead rely on statistics when making  any decisions or predictions. LIKE WHAAAAT?! This NOBLE PRIZE WINNER is basically granting us permission to go full retard and let computers do all the hard thinking for us! I’m telling ya, even though my brain apparently isn’t worth 5 nickels and a blow job,  I think this shit is fascinating. Seriously check out this book,  only my loser self all of the cool kids are doing it!