What’s better the one amazing thing? Two amazing things.
And what’s better than two amazing things? Three amazing things. (And no, I’m not going to get into “what’s better than three amazing things?” because four amazing things is just too much and it’s important to not be greedy!)
Well bow down bitches because I got the lowdown on not one, not two, but THREE amazing things that are sure to change your life for the
fatter better forever.
It’s time to ménage à trois this motherfucker with good old Blue Bell Ice Cream.
Blue Bell is EASILY the most underrated ice cream brand OF ALL GOSH DARN TIME. If you haven’t tried any or all of Blue Bell, hop off your lazy ass and sprint to the closest grocery store as soon as flipping possible (yeah it’s hot out, but the ice cream will help cool you down and stop your gross ass sweat from getting too out of control). Every one of their flavors is so rich and decadent, yet unique. Not to mention, they come in both the itsy bitsy pint sizes AND the big and beautiful half gallons (the only other ice cream brand to offer this size in grocery stores is THE grocery store itself, Publix). Liiike helloooo people Blue Bell has a freakin flavor called Cookie Two-Step that COMBINES cookies dough and cookies n cream… AND THAT’S NOT EVEN THEIR BEST FLAVOR!!!
This now brings me to the biggest pro Blue Bell ice cream, something that literally lets you have your cake and eat it too… their Bride’s Cake, Birthday Cake, and Groom’s Cake flavor.
While most ice cream brands have merely one (if any) cake flavored treats, baby Blue Bell has the ultimate trifecta. All three are absolutely amazing yet so different yet so good, there honestly is no “best” one. For the first time ever I actually believe my dad when he says that he loves all the children equally because, for the first time ever, I love all of these flavors equally.
In fact, I know that these flavors are so grand that after you try them, if a genie gives you three wishes I bet your left nut that you will want to spend all three on these beautiful culinary works of art.
To further persuade you to have a threesome with Blue Bell, let me deep
throat dive right in and tell you what’s in store (or rather, in the carton).
The prettiest bride I’ve ever seen, who made my jaw drop as I walked down the aisle and saw her for the first time, is none other than the first Blue Bell cake flavor: Bride’s Cake.
This flavor consists of a luscious almond ice cream with white cake pieces surrounded by a rich amaretto cream cheese icing swirl.
Despite it’s cake flavor base, it’s surprisingly refreshing and so much more. It tastes like those rainbow cakes that losers’ would bring in for elementary school Christmas parties that were gross then but taste amazing now (probably because we are old and all of our hope, dreams, and joy is gone).
Like trying to bone a total cherub faced hottie but he says “no” because he doesn’t want to rush things because he likes you so much (gay) so he just goes down on your instead.
Now there are countless of ice cream brands that attempt to recreate the magic of a birthday cake with the smoothness and of ice cream, but none can do it as majestically has partner number dos of this threesome: Birthday Cake.
This flavor is concocted from vanilla ice cream with pieces of chocolate cake, a chocolate icing swirl and bright multi-colored sprinkles.. but not just any sprinkles, sprinkles of happiness penis PENIS (sorry, I have turrets)
It essentially tastes like Coldstone Creamery’s remarkable Birthday Cake Remix but better since you can get it in massive size for the same price as Coldstone’s itsy bitsy
weenie cup. This flavor is extremely heavy though so make sure you take it nice and slow and don’t over eat it unless you want to end up fat and alone for the rest of your life (which actually may be worth it given the amazingness of this ice cream gift from god).
Like having basically blackout sex with a smoking hot party boy that’s definitely not a good idea for your future wellbeing/dignity but is 100% the most amazing thing at the time.
Now, I have to admit that I was a wee bit hesitant to try this flavor at first. Something about it just scared me and I felt bad buying it instead of Bride’s Cake or Birthday Cake. But then I thought, “hey, this will probably the only time a groom will be in my mouth” so I dived in and tried the final corner of the triangle of perfection: Groom’s Cake.
This flavor is a whirlwind of luscious chocolate ice cream with chocolate cake pieces and chocolate coated strawberry hearts, surrounded by swirls of strawberry sauce and chocolate icing.
This genius cake ice cream is the perfect balance of decadent (thanks to the chocolate) and fruity (thanks to the strawberry sauce). It puts all your chocolate cravings to bed and straight up makes you smiles while eat it. If loving Groom’s Cake is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
It’s like finally saying yes to that tall, dark mystery man and finding out he has a certain
big cock and all the moves“gift” in the bedroom that never stops giving.
Now don’t be a pussy and go have the greatest threesome of your life (excluding threesomes involving people).