Once Upon a BJ…

Once upon a BJ, there was a little elf. But this little elf wasn’t any regular little elf, he was an angry little elf. Everywhere the angry little elf went, he would yell and roll his eyes and be crabby, even when talking to a cute little girl elf with really nice eyes and elf titties.

What was making angry little elf so angry?

This was the question that has been plaguing the little elf village for years, no decades, no CENTURIES (elves live for an incredibly long time).

Was it because angry little elf was ugly? No, he was an incredibly handsome angry little elf, resembled a young Leonardo DiCaprio in fact.

Was it because angry little elf had a tiny penis? No, he was very well endowed, hung like a horse in fact.

Was it because angry little elf needed to get laid? No, he got mad bitches, just had a 2-hour slam smash last night in fact.

So what could it be?

And then it dawned on the little elf village: angry little elf was hungry.

Since he was spending all his time yelling, rolling his eyes, being crabby, looking at his gorgeous self in the mirror, measuring his massive penis, and boning all of the little elf ladies, he had forgotten to eat, and everyone knows that a hungry little elf is an angry little elf.

After this realization, the little elf village decided to take action. Strong little elf kidnapped angry little elf and tied him to a chair. Angry little elf was tied so hard to that chair that he couldn’t even move his little elf pinky if he tried. Then, chef little elf got the biggest and grandest bowl of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and the most beautiful little elf silver spoon. Strong little elf forced angry little elf’s mouth open as chef little elf quickly shoved the spoon into his mouth like it was a frat boy trying to get a blow job from that cute, yet prudish, sorority girl.

Then, as soon as the ice cream touched angry little elf’s lips, everything changed. His heart grew three sizes and a rainbow erupted in the sky as birds sang beautiful songs. And then, a true miracle happened, angry little elf smiled. The elf village didn’t even know that his face was capable of making anything other than a scowl, but there he was smiling for all to see.

Strong little elf and chef little elf then untied not so angry little elf. Not so angry elf hugged and thanked them, calling them his best friends. Then, not so angry elf scurried into the kitchen, quickly moving his not so angry elf feet right into the freezer where he ate all of the ice cream…

Angry little elf was officially fat ass little elf and he lived happily fatter after!

The Ultimate Threesome Experience

What’s better the one amazing thing? Two amazing things.

And what’s better than two amazing things? Three amazing things. (And no, I’m not going to get into “what’s better than three amazing things?” because four amazing things is just too much and it’s important to not be greedy!)

Well bow down bitches because I got the lowdown on not one, not two, but THREE amazing things that are sure to change your life for the fatter better forever.

It’s time to ménage à trois this motherfucker with good old Blue Bell Ice Cream.

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Blue Bell is EASILY the most underrated ice cream brand OF ALL GOSH DARN TIME. If you haven’t tried any or all of Blue Bell, hop off your lazy ass and sprint to the closest grocery store as soon as flipping possible (yeah it’s hot out, but the ice cream will help cool you down and stop your gross ass sweat from getting too out of control). Every one of their flavors is so rich and decadent, yet unique. Not to mention, they come in both the itsy bitsy pint sizes AND the big and beautiful half gallons (the only other ice cream brand to offer this size in grocery stores is THE grocery store itself, Publix). Liiike helloooo people Blue Bell has a freakin flavor called Cookie Two-Step that COMBINES cookies dough and cookies n cream… AND THAT’S NOT EVEN THEIR BEST FLAVOR!!!

This now brings me to the biggest pro Blue Bell ice cream, something that literally lets you have your cake and eat it too… their Bride’s Cake, Birthday Cake, and Groom’s Cake flavor.

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While most ice cream brands have merely one (if any) cake flavored treats, baby Blue Bell has the ultimate trifecta. All three are absolutely amazing yet so different yet so good, there honestly is no “best” one. For the first time ever I actually believe my dad when he says that he loves all the children equally because, for the first time ever, I love all of these flavors equally.

In fact, I know that these flavors are so grand that after you try them, if a genie gives you three wishes I bet your left nut that you will want to spend all three on these beautiful culinary works of art.

To further persuade you to have a threesome with Blue Bell, let me deep throat dive right in and tell you what’s in store (or rather, in the carton).

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Bride’s Cake

The prettiest bride I’ve ever seen, who made my jaw drop as I walked down the aisle and saw her for the first time, is none other than the first Blue Bell cake flavor: Bride’s Cake.

This flavor consists of a luscious almond ice cream with white cake pieces surrounded by a rich amaretto cream cheese icing swirl.

Despite it’s cake flavor base, it’s surprisingly refreshing and so much more. It tastes like those rainbow cakes that losers’ would bring in for elementary school Christmas parties that were gross then but taste amazing now (probably because we are old and all of our hope, dreams, and joy is gone).

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Like trying to bone a total cherub faced hottie but he says “no” because he doesn’t want to rush things because he likes you so much (gay) so he just goes down on your instead. 

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Birthday Cake

Now there are countless of ice cream brands that attempt to recreate the magic of a birthday cake with the smoothness and of ice cream, but none can do it as majestically has partner number dos of this threesome: Birthday Cake.

This flavor is concocted from vanilla ice cream with pieces of chocolate cake, a chocolate icing swirl and bright multi-colored sprinkles.. but not just any sprinkles, sprinkles of happiness penis PENIS (sorry, I have turrets)

It essentially tastes like Coldstone Creamery’s remarkable Birthday Cake Remix but better since you can get it in massive size for the same price as Coldstone’s itsy bitsy weenie cup. This flavor is extremely heavy though so make sure you take it nice and slow and don’t over eat it unless you want to end up fat and alone for the rest of your life (which actually may be worth it given the amazingness of this ice cream gift from god).

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Like having basically blackout sex with a smoking hot party boy that’s definitely not a good idea for your future wellbeing/dignity but is 100% the most amazing thing at the time. 

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Groom’s Cake

Now, I have to admit that I was a wee bit hesitant to try this flavor at first. Something about it just scared me and I felt bad buying it instead of Bride’s Cake or Birthday Cake. But then I thought, “hey, this will probably the only time a groom will be in my mouth” so I dived in and tried the final corner of the triangle of perfection: Groom’s Cake.

This flavor is a whirlwind of luscious chocolate ice cream with chocolate cake pieces and chocolate coated strawberry hearts, surrounded by swirls of strawberry sauce and chocolate icing.

This genius cake ice cream is the perfect balance of decadent (thanks to the chocolate) and fruity (thanks to the strawberry sauce). It puts all your chocolate cravings to bed and straight up makes you smiles while eat it. If loving Groom’s Cake is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

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It’s like finally saying yes to that tall, dark mystery man and finding out he has a certain big cock and all the moves“gift” in the bedroom that never stops giving.

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Now don’t be a pussy and go have the greatest threesome of your life (excluding threesomes involving people).

 

BREAKING NEWS: Your Ultimate BJ Fantasy Has Finally Came True

Ok, so the title might be a little bit of “fake news” since what I’m about to tell you isn’t  necessaryily “breaking” (the story came out like a week ago but hellllloooooo ever heard of this little thing called fashionably late?!) and I ain’t a mind reader so how the hell am I supposed to know your ultimate BJ fantasy… hell, for all I know your fantasy could be naaaaaaasty (dirty sanchezs and golden showers do exist after all). Now that I got that little white lie of a click bait title off my hands, lets get down to business to defeat..the huns .

THE SAINTS OF ALL SAINTS, SIR BEN AND SIR JERRY, HAVE ENABLED THE ABILITY TO ORDER ANY PINT AT ANYTIME STRAIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!

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Yep, you read that right. You can officially get all of your favorite BJs without ever having to leave your bed, walk out your front door, or converse with another human being. I’m so happy I get tears in my mind thinking about it. Thank you Ben, thank you Jerry, thank you freezer technology that makes all of this possible, and thank you laziness for making this news so grand.

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Not only is this innovation A-FREAKIN-MAZING for the whole lazy, antisocial, fat pig upsides, but also because it’s going to do great things for your palate. How exactly? Let me explain. In the dark ages, before BJ delivery, you would go to your local grocery store or 711 or wherever the hell sells some pints and be forced to make a selection based on what they had aka the same 10 flavors. Now while these 10 flavors are all amazing (cough except cherry garcia cough) there’s still 40 other pint flavors that you are missing out on! I literally haven’t been able to find a Cookies & Milk or Cinnamon Buns in the state of Florida, but now.. you don’t have to find them, you just have to order them. Aaaaand the tears of joy are coming back again…

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However, just like a good dick typically comes with a request to do anal, there’s always a catch. And in the case of BJ deliveries, this catch comes in the form of a hefty price tag. Exactly how hefty? $19 FREAKIN DOLLARS FOR STANDARD AND $50 DOLLARS FOR OVERNIGHT SHIPPING! Like cool BJ, let me just go out to my money tree, climb up on my money tree ladder, and pick all of my green little money tree bills like they were tiny little apples LOL JK IM POOR.

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I would suggest a protest, but fuck that. It’s better to be poor, fat, antisocial, and snuggled up in a snuggie double fisting Cookies & Milk and Cinnamon Buns than rich, skinny, popular, and I don’t know doing cool social things.. like go drink your kale smoothies in between crossfit and talking about crossfit you weird creatures!

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What I saw after I looked up “loser” in the dictionary

Anyways, if you want to get your online shopping on and get BJs delivered straight to your door, just visit their online store today!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of BJs

Quick question: What does Harry Potter and BJs have in common?

Obvious answer: THEY ARE BOTH ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN AMAZING

While I am anything but new to the world of BJs and ice creamy goodness, I cannot say the same about Harry Potter. In fact, I absolutely despised Harry Potter up until January of this year.

How is this even possible?!

Well, me, I’m so glad that you asked… me!

I was a full-fledged Harry Potter hater solely because everyone else loved it. I HATED that so many people, all of which were so different, could be so utterly obsessed with a dumb boy wizard (not gonna lie, typing those three words is an extremely hard task now given my undeniable love). He wasn’t even cute!!! Clearly, hating something because others loved it is on my long list of things that I need to discuss with my therapist, however, I have changed. I have become the very thing that I despised. I am now a full-blown Harry Potter lover.

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It all began during one of my “new year, new me” trying to better myself experiments. I decided to give Harry Potter a whirl and JK Rowling must have cast a charm on those mother f*cking books because next thing I knew I was knees deep in books and I couldn’t stop. And when I say couldn’t stop, I mean a thug with a gun to my head yelling, “stop reading or I’ll shoot” couldn’t even stop me. I finished all of the books and movies in less than 2 months and my social life had never been worse. I wish I could take credit for stopping my 2 month addiction to Harry Potter, but alas, I cannot. It only ended because I ran out of supply, a void I have filled by crying into my ice cream pint whispering to myself, “you’re a wizard, Harry”.

Anyways, if you haven’t read Harry Potter WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?! STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT AND START READING YA CRAZY!!!! But if you have, then I welcome you with open muggle arms.

Now, how the hell am I going to tie Harry Potter and ice cream together? Well, I could take the easy route and assign each character to a flavor, but there are so many Weaselys and so few fire crotch appropriate flavors outside the months of October and November (shout out toPSL).  So rather, I am going to partake in an annual Hogwarts ceremony: sorting mother effers into houses with the sorting hat.

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Just as a little refresher: the sorting hat sorts witches and wizards into one of four houses. There is Gryffindor for brave mother effers, Ravenclaw for smart mother effers, Slytherin for cunning mother effers, and Hufflepuff for the .. how do I put this nicely.. super duper kind and caring but lame ass leftover mother effers.

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So for todays post I am going to take some ice cream brands (obviously BJs will be included) and sort them into their appropriate houses because what else do I have to do on a Sunday evening?!

Welcome to Hogwarts bitches! 

Dippin Dots: Ravenclaw

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Dippin Dots is freakin smart. They found the ONLY flaw of ice cream (the fact that it melts) and made it a non-issue. Not only did they make it a non-issue but they placed themselves where people crave ice cream the most and where they could charge the most: amusement parks. DD would 110% give every Ravenclaw (and even Hermonie) a literal run for their money.

Blue Bell: Hufflepuff

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Blue Bell is hands-down the most underrated ice cream brand, just like Hufflepuff is the most underrated house. Blue bell has the most splendid flavors that no other ice cream brand dares to take on.. like they have 3 different cake flavors (birthday cake, bride’s cake, aaaaand groom’s cake.. but more on that another week) for christ’s sake! I know no matter which specific craving that I need help to kick, they got my back. Not to mention, they are over generous by giving not just a quart of ice cream, but rather a whole half gallon. Blue bell has a heart of gold and accepts all flavors, and if I didn’t love eating it so much I would just want to give it a hug and make it be my best friend (I’m not crazy I swear). That being said, no one really thinks Blue Bell and thinks “wow they’re sooo cool” (except in the literal cool sense because it is an ice cream after all).

Halo Top:  Slytherin

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Halo Top is a sly sly dawg. They know how if there are things that skinny bitches hate it’s gluten, dairy, and calories. But they also know that skinny bitches love ice cream. So what did these snakes do? They went against everything ice cream is and everything ice cream believes in solely to make a buck and to create an ice cream with no dairy, gluten, and minimal calories. And it tastes good! I’m heated just thinking about how they undermined the entire ice cream industry. Placing them in any house other than Slytherin would be an insult to their brand.

Ben & Jerry’s: Gryffindor

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BJ is Harry Potter, Dumbledore, the Weasleys, Hermonie, Neville, and everything that is good in the world swirled into one amazing ice cream pint. Between crazy and experimental flavors, standing up for politics and things that they believe in, and refusing to go mainstream and larger than a pint, there are no other ice cream brands, or food brands in general, that can hold a candle to BJ’s bravery and heroism. 1000000 points for BJs!!!!

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Bonus – Haagen Dazs: Squib (wizard-born with no magical powers loser)

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Haagen Dazs may be technically an ice cream but it has no flavor powers and has no place at Hogwarts or any ice cream isle. STOP TRYING TO MAKE HAAGEN DAZS HAPPEN PUBLIX, IT’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

Alright, that was fun! Now I’m going to find a new way to distract myself from the fact that Harry Potter is done and over and there will never be another book quite as amazing as long as live.. no biggie…

P.S. Don’t forget to follow @bjs_with_xtine on Instagram!

 

The Declaration of Ben & Jerry’s

241 years ago some dude named Thomas Jefferson and his bros, ugliest president of all time John Adams, party animal Benjamin Franklin, unknown dude #1 Roger Sherman, and unknown dude #2 Robert R. Livingston wrote up the ultimate break up letter to Great Britain: The Declaration of Independence.

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As anyone with an elementary school education could tell you, this declaration was basically the good old original 13 colonies telling Great Britain to go fuck itself because they were a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. This ended up going pretty well for the colonies, after a few years of getting down and dirty during the good old Revolutionary War, they ended up whooping G.B’s ass and forming the kick ass first and ask names later US of A.

Well, since it worked out so well for America, and because it is my patriotic duty to follow the beautiful example of doing whatever the f*ck I want set forth by our founding fathers, I decided to do something crazy…

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I present to thee: The Declaration of Ben & Jerry’s

When in the final course of eating events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve their diet plans which have connected them with misery and to assume among the powers of the cravings, the delicious and decadent station to which the Laws of Foods and of Dessert’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of skinny people requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the feasting.

We hold these foods to be self-indulgent, that all ice creams are created delicious, that they are endowed by their Creator (cough Ben and Jerry cough) with certain unalienable Flavors, that among these are sweet, savory and the taste of Happiness. That to secure these flavors, freezers are installed within kitchens, deriving their just pints from aisle 8 of Publix supermarket.

That whenever any Form of Diet becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Fatties to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Diet, laying its restriction on such flavors and organizing its freezer in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Fullness and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Diets long established should not be changed for skinny and health causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that fatties are more disposed to suffer. But when a long train of starving and hangriness, pursuing invariably the same diet evinces a design to reduce them under absolute malnutrition, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Diet, and to provide new Guards for their future dessert. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Fatties; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Dietary Restrictions. The history of the present Healthy Diet is a history of repeated grossness and salads,  all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Misery over these Fatties. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

  • No ice cream suck
  • Salads and healthy things suck
  • Making people eat salads and healthy things instead of ice cream sucks
  • Diets suck
  • People should get to eat what they want unless you suck
  • Suck a cock you skinny twat

We, therefore, the Overeaters of the United States of America, in General Kitchens Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judgmental Bitches of the world for the rectitude of our eating habits do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Fatties of these Kitchens, solemnly publish and declare, That these overweight Fatties are, and of Right ought to eat all the ice cream they desire, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Gluten and Dairy-Free Diets, and that all physical workouts between them and the Gym, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Fatties, they have full Power to try all flavors, finish all pints, take cookies and make cookie ice cream sandwiches, eat a dessert after dessert, and to Eat Anything and Do Nothing which Independent Fatties may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Calories Don’t Count on the Weekend, we mutually pledge to each other our Stomachs, our Taste Buds, and our sacred Freezers.

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Florida: Xtine

Vermont: Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry

PB & Cookies Dairy-Free AKA Lactard Heaven

In the fat ass justice system, non-dairy ice cream based flavors are considered especially heinous. In Fat Ass City, the dedicated eaters who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Eaters Unit. These are their stories…

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Hell has officially frozen over: I am on a diet. Moreover, I am on a diet Monday-Friday. Moreover moreover, I am not eating dairy or gluten Monday-Friday. Moreover moreover morever, what hell is the matter with me?!

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While this diet goes against everything I believe in, losing 5 pounds in 5 seconds without changing any lifestyle habits is apparently impossible (believe me, I tried), so here I am.

But it gets worse. Because of my new weekday dietary constraints, when my family, whom I visited  this weekend, took me to get a BJ on Friday, I was forced to face my lifelong mortal enemy: Ben & Jerry’s dairy-free ice cream.

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Now picking one of these flavors is like being forced to choose between horse shit, cow shit, and chicken shit. But then a miracle happened, I spotted a dairy-free flavor that didn’t make throw up in my mouth a little just by looking at it.

What was this flavor? It was none of than PB & Cookies.

So I grabbed it, posted up on my go-to beanbag at my Dad’s house, turned on a movie, and took a bite…

This flavor was a combination that I’ve been waiting for ever since I saw Parent Trap for the first time as an innocent young child, years before Lindsey Lohan did cocaine only 6 or 7 times. And unlike my past dairy-free experience, this one wasn’t an abomination to all things sacred and happy.

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That being said, I need to ask WHY THE HELL IS THERE NOT A REAL DAIRY OPTION OF THIS FLAVOR?!!!! It’s cruel and unusual punishment if you ask mw. Like don’t get me wrong, the gigantic and basically whole oreo cookies and glorious flakes of crispy peanut butter were amazing, but there was just something off. It’s like when someone acts all sweet and everything to your face, but you just know in your heart of hearts that they are totally a major bitch who will blow your boyfriend if they ever got the chance. Sure she may seem nice, just like the flavor seemed delicious, but you know deep down that it’s a whole big scam. I would say that this flavor was missing something, but there’s no point since what it’s missing is more obvious than hello captain obvious (and for all you retards out there, I’m referring to the fact that it’s missing dairy).

I get that these dairy-free flavors aren’t made for extreme ice cream enthusiasts like myself, but rather those who can’t enjoy the amazing normal BJ flavors, and that’s great. However, I do have a qualm when THEY MAKE 1 OF THE 2 ONLY BJ FLAVORS WITH OREOS DAIRY FREE AND THE OTHER 1 OF THE 2 (mint chocolate cookie) IS MORE RARE THAN A VIRGIN IN A WHORE HOUSE. It’s mean and it’s cruel, but luckily, until Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry get their heads screwed on face, this dairy-free version of an ice cream flavor with huge potential will do. 

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That being said, I’m suddenly extremely intrigued into why there are a lack of oreo BJ flavors, specifically a lack the greatest ice cream flavor of all time: cookies and cream. Not to mention, they don’t even call the oreos oreos but rather chocolate sandwich cookies. Is there major dramz between BJ and oreo? Did Ben’s girlfriend dump him for an executive at the oreo headquaters? Did Jerry choke on an oreo and see his life flash before his eyes as a young lad? There are just so many questions and so few answers. However, I will do research and, thanks to years of experience cyber stalking, I WILL find the answers.

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Verdict: To conclude this rant ice cream review, while dairy-free still sucks, if you’re a lactard, on a non-dairy diet, or are a masochist, PB & Cookies is hands-down the way to go.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10 (not gonna lie, when I went to get a pint today, despite it being my cheat day, I was a wee bit disappointed that they didn’t have any more of this flavor left).

Pro Tip: Wear a bib though because, similar to gluten-free breads, dairy-free ice cream is messy and flies all over the place.

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Like boning a dude who’s really hot but a hipster vegan. While he does surprise you with a move or two and treats you right, you still wind up missing the meat-eating douche bag you dumped 2 weeks ago.

5 Best Excuses to Cheat and Get a BJ

Life’s short so lets skip the gilly gallying and jump right into this hypothetical situation:

Summer is rapidly approaching, yet you resemble a fat cow that ate another (slightly smaller) fat cow. You can’t be seen looking like an obese hannibalistic cow in bikini! What if Todd, the outrageously hot dude you’ve been eye-fucking at yoga class, sees you?! OH THE HORROR THE ABSOLUTE HORROR!!!!! So, to avoid this so-called “horror” you make the ballsy decision to cut out all happiness from your life an go on this thing called a “diet” (shivers).

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But just because you don’t eat happy things, doesn’t mean that you don’t eat any thing! Hello, you’re dieting, not aneroxic! So you decide to go to the grocery store to stock up on some cardboard kale and some horseshit quinoa. That’s when it happens: suddenly a strange phenomena that you can’t quite explain (this same phenomena is also frequently experienced at a bar after a few tequila shots when you see anything that resembles anything semi-cute) starts pulling you past isle 2, past isle 3, past isle 4, and right to isle 5: the ice cream isle. Now if this was any other week, ending up in the ice cream isle would be called “a trip to the grocery store”, but this isn’t any other week.. this week you are on death row a diet. Now, while you can get one of those healthy ice creams that are only 300 calories per pint, that’s not really what you want, that would only leave you unsatisfied, wanting something better…wanting something real.

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As a result, you are faced with the ultimate dilemma: to buy a pint or not to buy pint.

Luckily for you, if you are ever faced with the hypothetical situation and dilemma above, I have made things extremely easy for ya. For below, I have outlined the 5 best excuses to cheat on your diet and treat yourself to a little Ben and a little Jerry.

5. It’s the Weekend

If you ended up going grocery shopping on the mother freakin weekend then you 110% deserve to treat yo self with a little bee jay jaaay. Not only do you need something to emotionally eat after the hell that is weekend grocery shopping … like ohhh myyyy goooood those gosh darn parking lots, you would think that they sent out a flyer that said “all people who shouldn’t drive yet by some miracle still have their license please come to the Publix parking lot this Sunday from 9am-9pm” (shivers). Plus, calories don’t count on the weekends so eat UP.

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4. You’re Hungover

I may be no rocket scientist but I think it’s safe to say that any hangover over the age of 22 is a serious health condition, no.. any hangover over the age of 22 is more than that, it’s a life or death matter. Thanks to my old age and minor alcohol problem, I have done extensive research, which has lead me to the following conclusion: ice cream (particularly of the mint variety and particularly particularly Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie flavor) is the ultimate hangover cure. While being skinny is important, isn’t it more important to be alive?

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3. You’ve Just Received a BJ

Congrats! You did it! You finally managed to get off without doing any work yourself! You finally managed to get an actual blow job! What better way to reward yourself for this amazing feat than with another, albeit different type of, BJ? Spoiler alert: there is not better way, well besides with actual sex.. but hey you can’t win them all. I’m sure you’ll lose your virginity never ever ever one day!

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2. You’ve Just Given a BJ

As the great Samantha Jones once said, “they don’t call it a job for nothing.” Well the work day is over and you deserve to cash in that paycheck for some real Ben and Jerry’s. Not to mention, I bet you my left tit that you can’t think of a better way to get that gross ass jizz taste out of your mouth (shivers).

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1. You Want One

IF YOU WANT THAT BJ YOU GO GET THAT BJ! There’s no point in torturing yourself. All of America is obese anyway so why be a skinny overachiever. And I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, that a pint of ice cream will not make you fat. 1000000 in one single sitting will, and if you eat that many that’s just impressive. However, if any loser does call you fat or makes fun of you for cheating on your diet here’s a life hack: buy another pint of ice cream and shove it RIGHT UP THEIR ASS!

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P.S. After you feed your bellies, don’t forget to feed my narcism by following @Bjs_With_Xtine on Instagram!

 

If BJs Were People: A Psychological Analysis

Hello, welcome. How are you feeling today? How do those feelings feel? Step into my office and start calling me Dr. Xtine because I’m about to scoop out and serve on a silver platter some psychological analysis (emphasis on anal) for y’all.

Now, while I may not “technically” be a doctor or a psychiatrist or even a fully functioning adult, I did take this Psych elective in high school so I’m like totally qualified. Not to mention, I’m currently reading this book* (read more at bottom) that was a huge hit and a New York Times Bestseller that makes me feel super smart, because contrary to what I thought was a rule of thumb, despite being a bestseller this book was no easy read. I straight up have to read each page twice. Of course this could also mean that either my concussions have caught up to me, my 2012-2013 molly binge has caught up to me, or me no read good, however I refuse to believe any of that. Anyways so yeah, this book is to me like that pesky spider is to Peter Parker, it gives me super powers. However, unlike good old Spiderman, instead of having powers that resemble a spider, I have powers that resemble a psychoanalyst.

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And what shall I use these newly found super powers of intellect for? No, not to save the human or even to save the polar bears, but rather for something much much much more important: to determine what some popular Ben & Jerry ice cream flavors would be like if they were people! Hello partaaaay!!!

So sit back and buckle up for safety, mothaa fuuuckers. We’re in for a wiiiiild psychological analysis!

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Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: CCCD might as well stand for cool, cute, caring, and dependable because that’s what this girl is! (wow I just reread that sentence and I sound like such a homo, but hey, I’m just calling them as I see them). However, despite being the quintessential cool girl,  she can get a little boring and forgettable at time so you don’t always hit her up, but when you do. you know that you can always count on her. This bitch’s got your back. BFFs 4 Everrrrr

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Peanut Butter Cup: PROTEIN PROTEIN PROOOOTEEEEIIIN!!! PBC is alllll about dat protein and fitness, and fittin this whole pint into their mouth. He’s the quintessential gym rat that has anger issues, bacne, tiny penis, and 100% takes steroids. He also is incapable of going to the gym and NOT taking a mirror selfie, because obviously, pics or the workout didn’t happen. This dude will straight up miss his own mother’s funeral if it landed on leg day. It’s just all about #GAINZ

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Americone Dream: Mr. Dream is cute, has an awesome personality, is fantastic and attentive in bed, etc. However, despite these remarkable qualities he has one major flaw: he cannot not post a political facebook status at least every 3 hours. Status after status, fake news after fake news, this dude just cannot take a break from providing poorly researched and supported political “facts.” He’s so annoying on social but so dreamy in person, it really causes a predicament. Luckily, this predicament can be solved by blocking him on social media, which not only makes you look hard to get, but makes you not want to stab him in the face next time you see him.

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Pumpkin Cheesecake: Oh sweet jesus, where do I even begin to talk about Pumpkin Cheesey Face. To summarize: she embodies the PSL basic bitch, yet is so much more. And my so much more, I mean so much worse. She is convinced that she is a yogi master, despite not being able to touch her toes, solely because her mom a friend caught her falling from a handstand at the perfect time. Her job description is “blogger” and she complains about “work” every single day despite her hobby job solely involving taking selfies. She also most definitely has a closeted gay boyfriend, but hey! as long as he films her vlogs for her blog, who the frick cares!

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Urban Bourbon: A mysterious alcoholic, Mr. Urban Bourbon is definitely a creative type. He most likely carries around a guitar, copy of his favorite book, and a heavy weight on his shoulders due to a sketchy past.  You don’t know much about him besides the fact that you know that you want to get into his pants. However, if you achieve this feat there’s an 60% chance that he will 100% cry after boning.

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Pistachio Pistachio: Pistachio, pistachio, a dude so nice that they named him twice. Totally kidding about the so nice part, I mean he is nice, but not like “omg Pistachio Pistachio I love you” nice, more like “ugh Pistachio Pistachio I want to tell you to shut up but I don’t want to mean” nice. He’s a vegan, only eats food that real food eats, smells like dirt, has a man bun,  and still lives at home because it’s “better for the environment” however it’s really because working at the local hipster coffee shop only pays so much.

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Chubby Hubby: Chubby hubby is literally a chubby hubby. SURPRISE you’re the wifey!

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Non-DairyJust the worst, the absolute worst. He/she is all of your ex-lovers, bosses, mortal enemies, and satan himself combined and rolled up into the hands down most repulsive human being on planet earth. Anytime they walk into a room, you throw up a little bit in your mouth in utter disgust.

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Well, there you have it. Hopefully now you can never look at ice cream the same. Also, on a side note, I totally picture all of these people in clothes that are the same color scheme as their pints and it’s too much fun, I HIGHLY recommend doing the same.

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*In a ball sack, this book, entitled Thinking, Fast and Slow, basically describes how and why we think how we think and how and why everything we think is most likely wrong. The author argues that instead of relying on intuition, expertise, and judgement, that we should instead rely on statistics when making  any decisions or predictions. LIKE WHAAAAT?! This NOBLE PRIZE WINNER is basically granting us permission to go full retard and let computers do all the hard thinking for us! I’m telling ya, even though my brain apparently isn’t worth 5 nickels and a blow job,  I think this shit is fascinating. Seriously check out this book,  only my loser self all of the cool kids are doing it!

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SHOCKING DISCOVERY: The 1 Thing Better Than a BJ

God, are you there? It’s been a million and one days since my last confession, and while I have a million and two sins that need to be absolved, I think that I should begin by confessing the sins of all sins, the crime of all crimes, THE ABOMINATION OF ALL ABOMINATIONS:

For the past month, I have been having an illicit affair… I didn’t mean for it to happen, but I was overtaken by lust and desire as all my morals were thrown out the window… for the past month, I have been cheating on BJ with TJ.. and no, I’m not talking about TJ Maxx.

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WE WERE ON A BREAK

Call mea cheater cheater ice cream eater because I have been stabbing my beloved Ben & Jerry in the back by getting my ice cream from Trader Joe’s. Now, anyone who knows me can vouch that my love for Trader Joe’s is nothing new. I almost made this blog TJs with Xtine but it just didn’t have the same flow or seem appropriate. TJs legit has the most amazing food products in the world: spinach tortellinis, 5 dollar wine, bread and baked goods up the hoo ha, the list goes on and on. However, throughout my years as being a TJ connoisseur, I’ve managed to demonstrate self control by steering clear of the ice cream isle and staying loyal to BJs… that is, until I saw it: Cookie Butter Ice Cream.

It was love at first sight. If Cookie Butter Ice Cream was a state it would Tennessee because it’s the only ten I see. I couldn’t help myself. I forgot that BJs ever existed. For that moment in time, it was just me and Cookie Butter Ice Cream.

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I excitedly grabbed it, forgot the rest of my shopping list, and sprinted to checkout. It was the longest drive home of my life and even longer wait once I got home since I need to wait for it to refreeze that to the fact that MY POS (piece of sexy) CAR TURNS INTO A SAUNA AND MELTS ALL THINGS CLOSE TO MY HEART.

But the wait was worth it. As soon as my lips touched it’s white smooth surface, I knew that we were meant to be.

Exactly how good is Cookie Butter Ice Cream? Let me put it to you this way: as I took my first bite of this decadent bit of heaven, time stopped, doves started flying over head and Harry Styles began serenading me in background as I saw Jesus riding a pink unicorn gallop off into the sunset. This shit was THAT good.

Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter Ice Cream surpassed all ice cream expectations and is hands down the best thing I’ve ever had in bed (I like to be cozy and comfy while I eat, sue me). TJs described its overall essence best:

It begins as humble-yet-rich vanilla ice cream, carefully crafted using fresh cream from the Midwestern United States and Madagascar vanilla extract.  Pieces of Belgian Speculoos cookies are blended into the ice cream, and then comes the pièce de résistance, the not-so-secret ingredient that makes all of our ice cream wishes come true – a ribbon of Trader Joe’s Speculoos Cookie Butter…

Like how do these ice cream chefs or whatever they’re called think of these things?! This ice cream literally had hunks of cookie butter squares, and when I say “hunks” I don’t merely mean large pieces but rather gosh darn fiiiiiiine pieces. Not to mention, TJs ice cream isn’t in tiny little pints but in HUGE pints. I don’t know the exact size but if I was to name it it would be called, um PERFECT.

The only downside is that it’s outside art piece shows an ice cream cone falling! If I want to see something sad and life shattering I would turn on Titanic and skip to the scene where slutty spoiled Rose refuses to share the lifesaving door with perfect human being Jack. I don’t want to tear up by looking at an ice cream container! Save the sad shit for Sarah Mclachlan animal abuse commercials, TJs!

However, all in all this ice cream was DOPE and if you are ever in Trader Joe’s you NEED to get it, unless you are a masochist who never wants to feel true happiness. But if Trader Joe’s is not yo thang or waaay too far away, I suggest Ben & Jerry’s Spectacular Specaloos Cookie Core , which is no Cookie Butter Ice Cream but is a pretty decent runner up. It’s kinda like the smaller, less attractive little bro of your crush: not nearly as good but part of the same family so it will do.

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Cookie Butter Ice Cream is like the dude who you never thought you would go for but you give him a chance and then he blows your socks, and panties, off.

P.S. I’ve made a Twitter tweeter twatter so make sure to follow me, or don’t, I don’t really care.

13 BJs Why…

Hey guys.. it’s me Xtine, live and in the kitchen. Now, you probably wondering why I did what I did.. that is, why I’ve gained the post-grad 15. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news (fuck it, who am I kidding, I LOVE it) but if you are reading this you are one of the reasons why. I take none of the responsibility, it all lies on you! Now clearly I am stealing this whole premise from the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why which stole it’s whole premise from the book 13 Reasons Why and I didn’t memorize either so I don’t really know how to phrase this part so blah blah blah listen to all the pints or someone who I trust will stalk you (instead of Gay Mexican Fonz, I’m entrusting Guy Fieri).

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Alright then, let’s bring on the shame and play a little blame game…

Pint 1

Have you guys ever heard of the butterfly effect? No, not the totally amazing movie with Ashton Kutcher but the actual effect? Neither have I! But Hannah talks about it and is all like, “it’s 1 little thing that sets much bigger things in motion,” or something like that, idk. Anyways, let me digress, this first pint goes to back to where it all began.

Welcome to your pint, Ben & Jerry.

My ice cream eating addiction would have never happened if y’all didn’t make such bomb ass flavors. So much goodness in one tiny little container, cookies, swirls, surprise cores, might as well sign me up for fat camp as they’re printing out my receipt! Why couldn’t you just leave me alone? Why couldn’t you just taste bad? WHY, Ben & Jerry, WHY?

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Pint 2

Holy shit, could you make it any easier to get my hands on the thing that ruined me? Spoiler alert: the answer is no.

Welcome to your tape, Publix.

Everywhere I turn, there you are. There are 2 of you within a mile radius of my apartment, HOW IS THAT EVEN LEGAL. You make it so easy to buy pints, you even have signs egging me on and telling me “ice cream”. Why couldn’t you hide the ice cream in a secret vault?!  And don’t even get me on the buy one BJ get one BJ free sales. I can’t escape you, you’re a stage 5 clinger. Well how does it feel now to have all eyes on you for a change?

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Pint 3

I just wanted to be entertained and let my brain turn to mush, but then you had to go ruin everything.

Welcome to your pint, TV Commercials.

You always come when no one wants you. I mean god forbid I watch a television program in peace!!! You interrupt the flow and my ability to pay attention. As you air I never know what to do with my hands and I get bored… and when I get bored I turn to the freezer. So thanks commercials, thanks for being soooooo boring that you make me consume 50,000 calories in a single sitting.

Pint 4

You were fun at first, and I really liked you.. but then your true colors came out.

Welcome to your tape, Tequila.

After college ruined vodka for me, I turned to you tequila. You were my best, and only. liquor friend. I finally thought that I found a liquor that I could count on. I pictured us doing everything together: clubbing, family functions, drinking games with friends, pregaming dates, pregaming work, pregaming church, etc. But, apparently, you weren’t the liquor friend I imagined. Every morning after we hang out, I felt like death. Worse than death. The only thing that could save me ice cream.. cold, soft, refreshing ice cream.

(Tequila, I’m sorry about what I just wrote about you, I still love and will see you in a day or two BB).

Pint 5

You were all that I wanted. You were a way out of the vicious BJ to the face cycle I was stuck in. But you didn’t want me back, did you?

Welcome to your pint, Mega Millions Lottery.

You may not know this, but we belong together. I would be such a good millionaire. I look amazing in designer duds and am a born private jetter. Not to mention, I would totally share a million or two with my poor friends (call me saint xtine, please and thank you)! I really thought I had a shot too, when a random old man gave me a dollar to play.. it seemed like destiny. BUT OH NO YOU WOULDN’T LET DESTINY HAPPEN WOULD YOU. So instead of letting me be hand fed gourmet grapes by my gay butler Guillermo on my mega yacht cruising down the Mediterranean, I have to be here with my $5 pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Pint 6

Beep boop beep I’m a drama queen and am better than you and you and you and because of this..

Welcome to your pint…YOU

I really, honestly, truly, and completely have no reason to blame for you, for christ’s sake I don’t even know who you are, but just thought that you would like to be included and hey, the more the merrier!

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Pint 7

You’ve probably been wondering why you are on these pints after treating me so well all of these years, but if I did this, you had to be here for it.

Welcome to your pint, aging metabolism.

You always were too good for me, better than I deserved. You kept me skinny after I ate burger after burger, cake after cake, pint after pint. You made me believe that I could have a future of being a skinny girl with a big appetite forever. But then, you left. I begged you stay, but you didn’t. And now you are just another thing that has made me resemble a chunky, yet funky, fat chinese baby.

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Pint 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

I should have known better than to trust you. I always had a bad taste in my mouth about you, but you were so cool, popular, and hip. I wanted to be cool, popular, hip. But that’s not what happened, was it?

Welcome to your pint, Dairy Free Ice Cream.

You raped me, dairy free ice cream. You raped my mouth hard. The bad taste in my mouth that I had about you was right, you’re disgusting. Eating you and your sad excuse of dessert killed my insides. I had no will to eat anymore. Every bite I took of you took away an ounce of joy in my life. Because of you, I had to devour not 1, not 2, not 3,  not even 4, but 5 BJs to try to get your stench off me. The bad taste may have been gone, but I knew that I could never walk down the ice cream isle without seeing you and remembering how horrific you tasted.

Pint 13

I decided to give healthy eating one… last… chance. I knew that there was only one way to make it work, I just needed a little bit of help. But you didn’t listen. But you didn’t care.

Welcome to your pint, stomach.

I turned to you, asked you for help.. begged for you to crave something healthy. But as I stood there in the frozen foods section, with frozen vegetables (gross) on one side, and ice cream on the other, the hint of vomit that you sent up my throat as I looked at the cauliflower enlightened me of which decision I should make, and the decision that you wanted me to make. You cared stomach, but you didn’t care enough. And for that reason, you made me eat another pint.

BOOM NOW I’M FAT CAUSE Y’ALL!

Clearly my obesity and lack of self control had nothing to do with the fact that I decided to indulge pint after pint. I’m perfect, helllllooooooo! It’s all y’alls fault. I’m right and YOU are wrong. Plus skinny people can’t fat shame, so if you say anything otherwise you’re an asshole. Sorry not sorry.

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DISCLAIMER: this post is pointing out the flaws of 13 Reasons Why and why it’s the most annoying (yet addicting) show that portrayed suicide in the worst way … I blame myself and only myself for being the lovely fatass that I am 🙂

P.S. JEFF ATKINS DESERVED BETTER